There's a hole in my soul

I’m feeling absolutely horribly awful today. But it is, I’m sorry to say, one hundred perfect totally self inflicted. We spontaneously got a late train on Friday to stay with some friends. As we arrived late, Friday was fairly restrained and Saturday was a late lie in. I knew there would be a lot of drinking this weekend so I hardly ate anything on Saturday daytime (a boiled egg and a piece of toast). On Saturday we went out walking and around their city, so I avoided eating by saying I’d grabbed a sandwich earlier. We stopped in a pub for the afternoon and I started drinking then. My alcohol tolerance is through the floor – a combination of medication and losing weight. Two pints later I felt hammered and it triggered me off on a bit of an alcohol binge. Though I did drunkenly eat half a piece of pizza because of that – so at least I ate something else on Saturday.

I carried on drinking all Saturday afternoon and then we started getting ready to go out clubbing for Saturday night. We had some speed which was left over from a party at Christmas and had decided to take that while we were out. I love clubbing, I just love getting lost in the music and dancing like a crazy person. But I’m fairly socially inept and it does make feel awkward trying to make small talk with people. So I figured the speed would help and also keep me going for the night. And once I start I couldn’t really stop myself and ended up taking some random legal highs (I’m guessing) at an after club party. Finally stopped drinking and sobered up about midday on the Sunday and then had to train it home to collapse in bed. Felt hideous after drinking so much, so again didn’t really eat. And I didn’t take my medication on Saturday (was too drunk) or Sunday (forgot), so I’m blaming the “wanting-to-climb-out-of-the-window” misery and “are-you-staring-at-me” paranoia on the rebound affect of messing with psychotropics. And I’ve got incredibly fun intermittent palpitations and hot/cold sweats thrown in. Oops. Drugs, are apparently bad, kids!

I’ve always been fairly honest with my doctor(s) about the issues I have with drugs (well, actually, I’ve been honest about what I take and when I’ve taken it, but I don’t have an issue with it, more that my doctor does and I’m unwilling to change). From what I’ve heard/read about substance abuse it’s not that uncommon with mood disorders. I’m not really sure which came first. I got into drugs around the same time I started suffering from depression (I was about 14). For me I’m definitely worse with drugs when I’m in the middle of a mood episode. Usually I will take the odd bit here and there like this weekend and although I’ll feel rough afterwards it’s not really an emotional crutch and no different from drinking. Regular drug use is usually an indicator to me that things aren’t all that great and often one of the first signs of a mood change. Highs tend to be worse as I tend to lose sight of the fact it’s probably a bad idea and this can spiral if the drugs trigger worsening of mood (speed is fairly bad for this one for me). When I first started seeing my psychiatrist last summer, when I was hypomanic, he asked if he could have some assurance that I would at least try to take the medication as prescribed and I told him that I would – but that I couldn’t start taking them until Sunday (it was then Friday) as I was going from my appointment to a party and was intending to take drugs and didn’t want the antipsychotics to limit the effect of the high. (At least I’m generally honest, if not particularly insightful about why this wasn’t a great idea). When I’m down I tend to take drugs to drown out the feelings, as an ill-advised form of self-medication – last time I was depressed in November/December I was taking ketamine on a daily basis as it gave me a brief period of not being me (and pretty floaty hallucinations).

I’m not really sure why I’m writing this - distracting myself from my total incoherence to function at work right now. This weekend was the first time in ages (since New Years Eve) that I’ve taken anything. So it’s not as if it’s a massive problem. I think just maybe next time I get offered stuff at least I might cast my mind back to this post and remind myself how awful the come-downs are and maybe, just maybe, not take anything. Given the abuses of the weekend, however, I haven’t really lost any weight, so I’m obviously made of sterner stuff than I thought – even if I currently feel like a lump of pain drenched in wibbly paranoia-jelly.

A to Z

A = Age : 28
B = Bedsize : double - but I have to share with partner and usually two dogs as well.
C = Chores you dislike : gardening (and specifically having to clean up the pups mess)
D = Dogs : 2 small terrier crosses
E = Essential start to your day : cup of tea and the BBC news website
F = Favourite colour : black red or green
G = Gold or silver : silver
H = Height : 5'7''
I = Instrument you play : flute grade 8, piano grade 3, bit of recorder and domra (Russian instrument)
J = Job Title : office work
K = Kids : yes please - two ideally, but waiting for a couple more years before trying. It won't be the end of the world if we can't though
L = Live : UK
M = Mother's name : not saying
N = Nicknames : not saying
O = Overnight hospital stay : Several. As a kid I was born prematurely, the got run over as a teenager. Couple of adult stays for suicide attempts/mood disorder.
P = Pet peeves : thing not being arranged symmetrically, lights being left on, background noise
Q = Quote from a film : Papillion
The rule here is total silence. We make no pretense of rehabilitation here. We're not priests, we're processors. A meatpacker processes live animals into edible ones. We process dangerous men into harmless ones. This we accomplish by breaking you. Breaking you physically, spiritually, and here. Strange things happen to the head here. Put all hope out of your mind... ...and masturbate as little as possible. lt drains the strength.
R = Righty or Lefty : Righty
S = Siblings : Two - brother and sister, both younger
T = Time I get up : 7am on work days. Varies on weekends.
U = Underwear : black boring knickers
V = Vegetables I don't like : not many, parsnips I guess taste a bit rank. Generally love veg.
W = What makes me run late: sleeping in and being disorganised
X = X-rays : a couple
Y = Yummy things I can cook : veggie sushi, veggie lasagne, lots of other veggie dishes. Not very good with sweet stuff or Chinese food.
Z = Zoo animal : bats

Do You Realise?

For various reasons it has been a very bittersweet Friday. There are life events that mark your passage through the world, and retirement is definitely one of those. Retirement on this occasion was a happy event - at the end of a full working life and the years ahead look like a time that will be spent with loved ones and on some much anticipated favourite activities. But I will miss my colleague so much. It feels like a loss. This song by The Flaming Lips, called “Do You Realise?” came to mind.

Do you realise
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realise
We're floating in space?
Do you realise
That happiness makes you cry?
Do you realise
That everyone you know someday will die?

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes
Let them know you realise that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realise the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round 

Eating hasn’t been great today. I went out for lunch with colleagues to celebrate the event and there was set courses so I couldn’t avoid eating. I ate far more than I felt comfortable with and ended up purging. And I developed a headache which doesn’t seem to want to go away. Though at least it is Friday and I'm going to try really hard to stick to eating planned food for tonight and not purging.

Rubix Cube

The Rubix Cube was invented in 1974 by a Hungarian sculptor and professor of architecture called Ernő Rubik. The cube is a 3D mechanical puzzle, with six sides made up of nine square – the outer eight squares can be moved by rotating the layers of the cube. The aim is have each side made up of nine panels of the same colour.

When I was a kid I had a Rubix Cube and never managed to solve it. Out of frustration and a desire for order and neatness I broke off the outer squares (I think I did this by peeling off the coloured stickers) and reattached them in the “correct” order. I “fixed” it. Well it looked fixed. *shifty eyes*.

I grew up and put away my childhood toys (well, most of them). But then I received a Rubix Cube as a gift in the New Year. I was going to keep it in perfect and pristine. But alas it was not to be, as a ‘friend’, knowing my obsessive preference for ordered patterns, mixed up the colours while I wasn’t looking. I’ve spent the past few months staring at the cube – planning my moves and imagining techniques for getting the squares back in place. I’m very reluctant to pick it up and rotate the panels without a fair chance of success. I’ve picked it up once or twice and tentatively made a few twists and turns. Brief forays into the mechanics of the cube. A few pieces have been manipulated back to perfection. I’m scared of making the wrong move and jeopardising the fragile beginnings. I am fairly prone to this pattern of behaviour. I’m cautious and reticent to change. Partner would refer to this as stubborn and “being difficult”. From an outside perspective it can come across as laziness or procrastination. If someone suggests a change (e.g. a new method of doing something, a new way of rearranging the living room) I do need to mull it over (sometimes for months/years) in my head before either becoming comfortable with the change and acquiescing or deciding that it’s an acceptable pathway to take.

Since starting this blog I have overall decreased the amount I am purging (albeit only slightly i.e. I’m no longer doing it everyday) and I’ve definitely become a little bit less rigid in what/when/how I will eat. The weight loss has slowed down. I’m still losing weight, however, still purging most days and I’m still very much dealing with the obsessive/intrusive thoughts and feelings surrounding food and this area in general.

I don’t know if the improvements are superficial – akin to pulling off the Rubix stickers and reattaching them. Am I faking something that it ostensibly looks like the start of recovery in a mission to con(vince) myself into thinking that I’m getting better and fighting this! Am I tricking myself so I’ll ignore the fact that in some ways I’m still actively eating disordered? So the eating disorder can cling on as long as possible but “under the radar” and with out my seeking external help or intervention. Or maybe the slight improvements are a sign of a little seedling of genuine recovery. Am I just sticking true to my nature and being cautious, taking things slowly? The latter isn’t impossible as pretty much every time I’ve struggled with eating and weight loss in the past I’ve managed to figure my own way out of it. The only psychiatric treatment I’ve ever really received has been for mood disorders – and generally the times I’ve struggled with eating, I’ve also been struggling with my mood, and the eating problems have become easier as my mood has stabilised. Maybe it will just take me some time to feel comfortable with changing and slowly, but gradually, I will get there.

Either way I hate how difficult it all it and sometimes I feel like giving in and smashing the Rubix Cube to pieces - both literally and metaphorically.

Image Credit: all images from this post were found on Wikipedia and have some copyright reserved. See Wikipedia for the terms.

Ranting and probably too much information

A short update for today as I've been too busy to think. Work sucked. It seems that even when I am functioning below par (as in the last few months where I've been spending a good portion of my time too obsessed/controlled by ED-type thoughts to actually do my job) I'm still functioning at a level above 90% of the people in the office who don't seem capable of doing their actual rolls. I don't get paid enough to be (or get any kudos/thanks for) taking the lead on team projects or patching up other people mistakes or looking ahead to analyse working practices so we can "contingency plan" and "future proof" and "apply best practice" and "increase capacity". And... ARGH! Business officey bollocky bollocks!!!

Anyway... breathe in, breathe out. Right. Rant over.

Yesterday sucked in terms of eating. I ate fruit for breakfast and purged everything else I ate. Today has been better, I've eaten more or less normally, though I have still purged once. And I feel hideous and moody. And I'm not happy about my bloody grey hair. And it's probably too much info but I feel horribly horribly constipated (but refuse to take laxatives and if I start doing that I'll be "giving myself permission" to use them and knowing me will end up mis-using them) and feel very bloated. And even though I'm trying to be pleased that my weight has more of less stabilised where it is for the last 10 days (because I'm trying really hard to fight these thoughts), to be honest I'm really not. 

But I finished my current pack of the pill yesterday so it's a particular "time of the month". So heres hoping that "normal" service will resume shortly. Well... in a week maybe.

Grumpy mo-fo signing out. G'night.

Shades of Grey

We’re coming to the end of winter I hope. The end of the grey months. Overcast, dreary day with stormy grey clouds. Grey is the colour of cold, windy days. Log fires in the hearth to keep the home warm, with chimneys spewing grey smoke and ash into the sky. Grey smog, pollution.

Grey is the colour of penitence – a traditional punishment would involve being forced to walk in barefoot through a town covered in grey ashes. Some churches use grey for Ash Wednesday (the seventh Wednesday before Easter Sunday – the first day of the Season of Lent) and for the entire Lent/fasting period, again to symbolise mourning and repentance.

As well as being a colour of penance grey can also denote an area of the edge of legality, or illegality. A ‘grey area’ in the law. A loop hole.

“There are three basic types of [arms] deal. White being legal, black being illegal, and my personal favourite colour, grey.” – Lord of War

The grey market is the practice in business of buying or selling items that are priced below what has been regulated, or through channels which while legal, are unauthorised and probably unintended by the original manufacturer. The grey economy refers to paying workers “cash in hand” avoiding relevant taxes or social contributions.

A grey suit is a safe, conservative (and boring) choice for the office. Grey was also one of the colours the lower classes were allowed wear in during the Tudor Era in England – according to English Sumptuary Laws of the time (also called the Statutes of Apparel – which was meant to regulate consumption, and prevent people from living beyond their means and wasting money on expensive items) the lower classes were only allowed to wear sheepskin, wool or linen in brown, beige, yellow, orange, green, grey or blue. Although these items were allowed to be trimmed with more expensive materials.

Something being considered a grey area can also demonstrate indecision, or being caught between two different (maybe opposing) viewpoints.

Grey as a colour denotes depression and sadness. The winter is often hell for people with Seasonal Affective Disorder, who are affected by the lack of sunlight in the winter months. And apparently the world does literally become more grey when one is depressed. 

The Mourning Dove (Zenaida macroura) is either grey or light brown in colour. Grey is the colour of a corpse and ghosts are traditionally transparent and grey in colour – a common apparition (and incidently the Ravenclaw ghost from the Happy Potter Series) is that of a grey lady.

Black items absorb all wavelengths of light, while white objects reflect all wavelengths equally. When an object absorbs most of the visible light spectrum, but reflects light of all wavelength roughly equally you see an object as grey. Effectively the colour grey is the reflection of white light at a lower intensity. If you shine a dim white light at a wall it will appear grey. Grey is the colour of old age. As we age our hair greys (this bit in particularly relevant, *stamps feet*, if you want to know why, keep reading). The intensity of the white light fades in the later years, greyer and dimmer, towards the end of life.

But, in Christianity, grey is also the colour often associated with the resurrection of the dead and Jesus if often depicted wearing a great cloak.

On another positive note, because grey is considered an intermediate colour - consisting of both black and white – grey can represent compromise, mediation, neutrality, balance and justice.

Grey is a colour of intelligence. With age comes wisdom and knowledge. The brain is often referred to as the “old grey matter”.

The colour grey is often associated with power and great institutions. The Grey Lady is another name for The New York Times or the B-52 Stratofortresses. The Grey Ghosts were a nickname for a military unit in WWII and Vietnam.

So there you have it - multiple different shades of grey.

“But why,” I hear you ask, “is North of Normal going on and on and on about the colour grey???” Well, I was styling my hair this morning and I haven’t dyed my roots for quite a while (I’ve been dying my hair since I was about 14). I found numerous grey hairs – as you can tell by the topic of today’s post I’m not obsessed with this AT ALL, and I’m perfectly happy to be going grey at not even 30 </sarcasm>. And they weren’t there in December as I had my hair restyled then and hadn’t dyed it for a while. Oh well, at least I’m obsessing about something other than eating today. Although I did find out during my "grey hair" Google marathon that malnutrition can cause premature greying so I went out on my lunch break and stocked up multivitamins (and hair dye) as I’m completely failing at stopping eating disordered behaviour so I’ll try and counteract malnutrition in other ways as well. (That being said I haven’t lost any more weight for about a week and even though I’m still purging a lot I’m probably eating more on the whole).

winter is just another step in the cycle of life

Last night and today have been pretty bad eating disorder-wise. I purged again last night and again today after lunch. Though I did eat and keep down a little breakfast today which is unusual for me. I guess I’ll keep trying to get back the normality I had at the weekend when for a couple of days the eating disorder didn’t control me.

On a positive note it did really feel like the first day of spring today. The weather was warm and my mood felt lighter. I walked around the city centre today, just enjoyed the sunshine, the fountains and the lights on the large Ferris wheel they’ve erected in the main square. (How very un-goth of me). Right now I’m staring out of the window of my birds-nest of an office. The tower block above the nearby shopping centre is a pale pink colour and right now the sunset is reflecting an array of red, orange and violet from its multitude of windows. I’m the only one left in the office (and about to leave myself) but right now the mood is very peaceful.

Hopefully I can take this mood home with me. I think I’ll try listening to the Amélie soundtrack on the commute.