A small step forward (maybe)

I didn’t purge yesterday. Though I didn’t eat much, it was definitely more than I felt comfortable with - I really had to push back and argue against the thoughts. I had to eat breakfast this morning as my partner made me some and then didn’t leave the room so there was no way I could avoid it, and no real opportunity. Though I did give a few little scraps to the pets I think without being noticed. And I’ve cut back lunch time calories a bit (only a tiny bit) to try and cope with the urges while still eating something. I’ve planned a meal for later that I think I feel happy with and hopefully I’ll be able to resist purging again. Two days in a row would be awesome. I know it’s not a massive improvement but that’s two nights this week (Sunday and Wednesday) where I’ve managed not to purge. Before I started this blog I was purging everyday and it had been weeks since I’d gone a day without purging. In my post at the start of February my plan was to try and cut back on the purging a little bit each week. So at least that’s something positive, it's not a great step, and it might be random chance, but it could be a step in the right direction.

I am worried that partner is suspecting a return to eating disorder ways, as he has asked about them a few times recently and then this morning with breakfast, I have wondered if he’s trying to give me an opening to admit what’s going on. Though I think I’m probably just being paranoid as I’d need to lose a bit more weight before I start looking thin or anything. I guess it would be easier to fight this if he knew because if would mean it would be harder to follow the urges if someone else was watching out for them and it would give me some real life accountability. At the moment this blog helps a bit as I am determined to be honest on here (well, hell... it’s anonymous, so it feels safe to be honest here) and I do want to be able to turn round and write that things are going well. But although the accountability would be an advantage I’d be terrified to tell him. What if I need to purge and he stops me. Yeah, I know that would be kind of the point, I know rationally I shouldn’t be doing this, but I can’t have that kind of control taken away from me... if I managed to resist and urge I want it to be because I’m strong, not because I physically stopped from doing it. And I’m scared we’d argue about it and the last thing I want right now is to argue with him – I think shouting would just make dealing with these feelings harder.

What on earth is fuelling these eating disordered thoughts?!?!?!?!?

I did end up both running and purging last night. I was quite angry with myself because I put so much effort into running and kept going so long that I felt dizzy. I really thought that I’d managed to convince my thoughts that I’d done enough. “Please, accept this and leave me alone for a while”. But no, they just completely took over my head and I couldn’t stop myself. I honestly tried, but I just couldn’t. I really don’t understand why I find this so difficult. Right now I’m sitting here thinking about the rest of the day and I can imagine going home and eating and being able to fight how I feel and not purge. But once I’m in the situation I seem to lose all control.

Even when my eating problems were at their most severe (when I was about 17) I don’t remember the thoughts ever having this much control over me. Though that was a long time ago, so maybe I just don’t remember accurately. The only thing I can compare this to is when my self-harm was at its worse and I literally couldn’t stop myself. But at that time I was also very depressed and that usually reduces my ability to argue with my thoughts. Now, when I get self-harm urges, which is fairly common, I am pretty much 100% ok with resisting them... even ignoring them. The only time I’ve given into a self-harm urge in years was when I got very down last November/December. And even then I only did one very minor injury because I still had some control.

So self-harm is very much something that resolves when my mood improves. And in the past eating disorder thoughts/behaviours have resolved with improved mood as well. It’s just at the moment I don’t feel that down – yesterday I even felt a little bit up (see side note below). I just can’t figure out why the eating disorder is so strong at the moment when there’s nothing in my mood/life that could be causing it. I’m quite anxious, but I think that the anxiety is caused by the eating disorder. Or maybe it’s a vicious cycle in that the depressive episode last November triggered the eating disorder, which in turn triggered anxiety, and now the eating disorder is kind of fuelling itself, even with the remittance of mood symptoms. Ever increasing cycles of disorder thoughts and anxiety and thoughts and anxiety.

Side Note: I’ve cut back drastically on caffeine today, and am trying to take good emotional care of myself in everyway I actually feel able to (so, most ways, except nutritionally), as I don’t really want mood instability issues right now... tragically this “taking care of myself” is mostly because there is NO WAY I could possibly take any of the anti-psychotics I’ve taken in the past as I refuse to accept the risk of weight gain. I’ve got a check list of symptoms for switches to hypomania/mania and have an agreement with my doctor that at what point I should restart olanzapine (I have a small “for emergencies” supply at home) and see my doctor. At the moment I don’t think I could honour that agreement because there is no way I could take olanzapine at the moment – olanzapine is like obesity in a pill! Even if I don’t manage to tell my GP about the purging/restricting I have resolved that I will tell him that I no longer think I could stick to that hypomania relapse plan – I’m hoping that this will help me broach the topic of eating concerns and at very least he could suggest a different medication I could keep at home in case my mood switches. I'm kind of resigned to the fact that I do need to get some support from my medical team in fighting this. I started this blog to try and almost talk myself into getting better. But I'm getting absolutely nowhere and feel very powerless. I'll need to see my GP to get a new prescription in just under two weeks. Unless something drastically changes before then I'll try and say something. (I'm completely terrified of the prospect!!!!)

Faster and faster

Colleague absence at work today has meant travelling at 100 miles an hour. I’ve been doing two jobs at once and trying to do both fantastically. Well, because there are no other options in my book, and why ruin my awesome reputation as superwomen!!! It has been good as it has kept the eating disorder thoughts very much at bay – I’ve been too busy to stop and think. And I’m also been too busy to spend any time at all looking at diet websites or watching diet programmes online. But it is bad as it’s meant I’ve also been too busy to really eat. When I did eat something it wasn’t at my normal time which would normally be very upsetting – though all other variables were the same and I was so hyped up on caffeine that I managed to stay on top of desire to purge. A lot of nervous energy though. I have a habit when I’m in restless of chewing the inside of my cheeks. I always have mouth ulcers – but today it’s absolutely in ribbons and really hurts. Ow!

I’m finally trying to wind down at the end of the day (switched off caffeine, onto peppermint) and getting ready to go home. But I won’t really get to stop when I get there. I’m meeting a friend to go out for dinner and I really don’t want to purge – but I’m already feeling like I’ll need to. I’m trying to bargain with my thoughts and if I go for a run I think I might be ok to resist the urges. I definitely rather run than purge – even though, obviously with trying to combat the thoughts, I should try and do neither. But I don’t know if my thoughts will trick me into running and then purging anyway. I’ve got so much energy today I think I’ll be running for miles so surely that will appease it.

Here’s hoping that my thoughts/brain has calmed down by later tonight or I will not be needing to sleep which is never good sign for overall mental health. *sigh*

Lying/Guilt

The weekend was a bit of a mixed bag. Friday had started off fairly well, but it deteriorated when I got home and then was a sharp increase in negative thoughts and I ended up hardly eating anything, then purging. Saturday was atrocious, with huge amounts of self hate, a lot of urges and I think I only kept down 300 calories with about 100 of those from alcohol. On Sunday my weight was down and the thoughts subsequently really eased off. I did still end up going for an eight mile walk (which felt similar to resistance training in the gale force winds we’re experiencing at the moment) but I managed to eat a couple of spoonfuls of cereal for breakfast, half an energy drink, most of an evening meal and some alcohol (spirits with diet mixer) – and I didn’t purge once.

Today I don’t feel mentally that bad – I don’t feel depressed at any rate. I’ve eaten my normal lunch without any problems. But I have been watching diet programmes online, which is triggering a few negative thoughts. Can’t seem to stop watching them though! I resisted watching them for a good few hours today but I’d find my mind wandering and thinking, thinking, THINKING, about them. Until the thoughts literally fill my entire consciousness.

I’m feeling quite guilty a lot of the time. I feel guilty about all the lies I’m telling to people who genuinely care about me. My partner was talking about how well I’m doing with my dieting and how he’s working hard on dieting at the moment as well. He was asking about my eating disorder when I was a teenager. I did wonder if he suspected something and was trying to give me a chance to open up. But silver-tongued I skipped around the topic and onto something else. Several friends/colleagues (who are also dieting) chat about diet tips and happily I talk the “healthy diet” talk:

...“oh yes, I’m obviously making sure that I’m still eating a good balance”

...“I’ve lost about 20lbs so far, but haven’t really lost anything since Christmas”

...“I know! Everyone keeps saying it looks like I’ve lost more than that, I honestly haven’t”

...“maybe I’m building muscle and loosing fat – but no, I definitely haven’t lost anymore weight”.

...“I’d like to lose maybe another 10lbs, and then I’ll work on maintaining my weight”

That last one is something I keep saying to myself. Lying to myself! I use it as an excuse for why I don’t need to talk to my GP/psychiatrist – because once I’ve lost then next 10lb I’ll be able to stop so they don’t need to know, right? The only problem is that I think I was saying this to myself 10lbs ago. I know for certain I was saying this to myself 5lbs ago (when I started this blog). But the problem is I actually believe it. When I look in the mirror I can see where the excess 10lbs is and say to myself – once that is gone I’ll be happy. I can visualise pound size chunks overlaid on the body in the mirror and imagine how perfect it will be when they’re gone. Why on earth would I need help while I still have those really obvious 10lbs to go? Surely my GP will just laugh me out of his office and suggest that I do need to lose these 10lbs and then, only then, should I worry about too much weight loss. Even logical arguments like the fact that I am purging on a pretty much daily basis and that can’t be that good for me don’t make a difference. Because, as my brain tells me, I really need to get rid of this excess 10lbs and need to do this so urgently that any method is justified if it gets rid of it quickly.

These thoughts are incredibly strong and I find it very hard to combat them. I’m trying, but it’s hard.

Meals, Mood and Medication et al.

Today has been a lot better. I ate a meal last night and although I did end up purging I had left it a while and only managed to get rid of a tiny bit. And even though my weight was the same this morning as yesterday (which normally triggers urges/self hatred “you’re useless, why haven’t you lost weight?”) I broke my lunch time routine a bit and had something different. Probably about the same in calories, but it wasn’t from my list of “safe foods”, so that’s a small triumph. Despite all this the thoughts have stayed fairly quiet. I’m also not feeling quite as ill. I still have a tentative eye infection, but my throats less sore and I’m not coughing anymore. My moods up a little bit, still not normal levels of operating; my thoughts are a bit sluggish. Yesterday my brain felt like treacle and I felt quite tearful. But today I’ve been fairly productive at work and won’t be leaving things in a complete state for the start of next week. So here’s hoping it was just a combination of illness/hormones as I really don’t want to deal with a proper depressive episode on top of all this.

I am aware that lack of food can precipitate depression and I’m doing the best I can to combat that (i.e. the lack of food), but depression right now would just make it even harder to fight the urges. I have a lot less resources to deal with bad thoughts when I get depressed. I get exhausted by them so easily and just start giving in to them – which right now would not be a good thing.

A comment on my previous post mentioned thinking that their eating disorder helped them control their mood, but actually they have more control over mood when in recovery. I think that’s interesting, because this relapse was very much interlinked with the aftermath of a hypomanic episode. I was quite upset and disappointed that I’d needed to take medication to control my mood, because before last summer I’d been medication free for a long while. It was difficult (and still is) to believe that I needed medication - even though people who I trust told me that I should take it. And the medication (olanzapine) had caused me to gain a fair bit of weight. Around October time I started to feel depressed and then in November I started loosing weight. This did start initially as a healthy diet to get rid of the weight I’d put on while taking olanzapine. In retrospect the healthy diet did very quickly descend it eating disorder behaviour and I think it took hold so quickly because part of me did feel more in control of my moods. When I saw my psychiatrist in December he started me on an antidepressant which really has sorted my low mood out a lot, but didn’t really deal with the eating disorder urges – in fact if anything they’re stronger than they were before I started taking them.

I guess it’s something else to think about when I’m trying to argue with the thoughts/urges. I really don’t want to be out of control like I was over the summer, but I think now I’m out of control in a completely different way.

#Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved #

No real change. Didn’t eat much and purged what I did eat in the evening. Did drink a small amount of alcohol and was up half the night worrying about the calories. This morning I couldn’t get out of bed. I think my immune system is under attack as I’ve got the start of an eye infection, I’m coughing and my throat hurts. Several people at work are also ill so I think it’s going round. I weighed myself and it was down a couple of pounds since yesterday. But I think I’m dehydrated so it’s probably not right and also period of doom is here and that means weight isn’t reliable. I ate a roll for breakfast when I arrived to work. And then around half an hour later I could stand it any more so tried to purge, but I couldn’t get anything up. I had to leave the office on my lunch break to run some errands today and ended up skipping lunch completely.

Must. Try. Harder!!!

It’s probably a combination of hormones, stress and illness, but my mood has taken a sharp drop today.

My iPod played me Alice in Chains, Down In A Hole as I walked across the city earlier. My iPod always seems to play songs that completely mirror my mood. Some of the lyrics are:

Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don't understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be
Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, losing my soul
I’d like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied

I know realistically it’s not linked to my mood, and when it seems to it is just an example of confirmation bias. Sometimes I find it comforting when it happens (like the other day I was thinking about my soon-to-be-ex-husband and it then played The Beatles, Let It Be – which was the perfect song for right then) but today it just made me feel sad.

I guess Alice In Chains aren't the most cheerful of bands! Will listen to something cheerful on the way home from work tonight!!!

New Tactics (i.e. current tactics = fail)

I did a couple of positive things yesterday – in that I managed to resist looking at or buying any new scales and didn’t stop off to weigh myself at the chemist on the way home. I even felt fairly good when cooking and eating. But then the thoughts really kicked in and I ended up purging, going for a run and spending the rest of the evening obsessing about what I’d eaten and hating myself. I didn’t sleep very well as I was thinking about whether I’d manage to go without weighing myself in the morning. This morning I just couldn’t not weigh myself and when I did it made me even more anxious as I hadn’t lost weight. My damn period arrived later in the day so that’s probably why my weight has being a bit screwy and also why I was getting abdominal pains (which did worry me as I thought maybe I’d done some damage). Fecking water retention. The lack of weight loss meant that I again struggled with lunch and actually cut the number of calories consumed in half. I’ll try and get back to normal on that tomorrow as lunch is usually the one reliable meal and I don’t want to lose that.

I’m annoyed at myself because looking at yesterday (and the previous few days – since I’ve been blogging) from an objective point of view I have to admit I’m pretty much failing to counteract the eating disorder behaviours. When I think about it in my head I always think to myself “well I managed to do X and Y so I’m doing a great job of beating this”, like I’m wearing rose tinted glasses. I guess the eating disorder is distorting the way I see things. But then when I put it in writing and read it back to myself, I realise, well… no… actually the urges I am giving into far out weigh (ha) the urges that I’ve managed to resist. I had my first comments on this blog yesterday (thank you, both of you) and one of them suggested that I probably should tell my GP what’s going on even if I do manage to get more control before my next appointment. Begrudgingly I’m willing to concede it might be a good idea. And thank you for the suggestion, I may try writing down what I want to say in case I freeze and can’t say anything when I’m there. It’s still a few weeks away (I can’t face the idea of going any sooner) so I’ve got a bit of time to think.

In other news the ideal job has become available where I work. This is a job I interviewed for a few years ago and was told I was a very close second choice for the role and they’ve now decided to expand the team and create a new role. I’ve been doing some work – as a side project - for this team for a long time now so I’ve got loads more experience to make a strong application (stronger than last time), but I have to go through the same application process again – only now I imagine I’ll be up against a much much tougher group. Applications for where I work are through the roof because of the recession. I’m sure they’ll be expecting at least 80 applications for this one post. (Last time there was only about 15). It’s really bad timing as I’m struggling so much right now and don’t know if I have the time or energy to throw myself into this process or the stamina to put on a good show if I get the interview. But this role would solve so many of my financial and career based concerns. Around the time of my major break up in 2008, and my mini-eating relapse/general argh-ness I made a couple of terrible career decisions (left a prestigious role under a bit of a black cloud) and securing this new position would go a long way to getting the career back on track. I guess it’s good as it gives me something else to fight for and I can use it to motivate myself.

On that note I’ve spent the afternoon (since I found out about this job opportunity) thinking about trying a new tactic. Instead of aiming to fight urges by thinking ahead at situations I find hard and flagging them up in my head – like yesterday when I listed things I would try/try not to do – I will try and focus on the positives of not giving into urges. The former approach I feel is just causing me more anxiety. I’m spending the preceding time thinking about how I’m going to deal with the urge and panicking. Then, if I succeed, I end up dealing with an even worse fall out, partly because of the build up, with the amount of emotional energy I’ve expended fighting the initial urge, I just don’t have the resources to fight anymore. I’m exhausted. This way I’ll hopefully be more relaxed and positive and maybe that will get results instead. I’m hoping it can’t be any worse anyway!

So in the spirit of trying this alternative tactic: Positive things to focus on and hopefully help me not give into urges:

1)     I want to have the energy and stamina to really go for this job opportunity

2)     Me and current partner want to have children one day (though only once we are “proper grown-ups” though)

3)     Me and my ex are finally getting divorced and I want to be around to enjoy being legally free from him

4)     It’ll be summer soon

5)     To (hopefully) be continued…