I’ve been absent from the internet for a few weeks. I hadn’t really talked about it on this blog, but I’d been surfing a lot of eating disorder websites and purposely triggering ED thoughts. I swear I’m my own worst enemy. Well, actually, the ED is kind of my worst enemy. I kept telling myself I was looking to talk to people who understood so I would feel less alone with all this. Just before I left the web my BMI dropped below a healthy level for the first time in years and I finally twigged what was happening and made myself take a step back. I’ve had a good couple of weeks now and have been sticking to a (self-devised) eating plan. It’s taken about 3 weeks but I am back to just over 18.5 again, which is where I was about a month ago, and hope I can maintain this at least. I hate how split down the middle I feel. Part of me (the part that is me, I hope) wants to be healthy. But part of my head... it really fights what I know is the right thing to do. So, I’ve pushed the scales to the furthest corner of the darkest cupboard. I’ve got a daily meal plan, though at the moment I’m mostly sticking to the same things and I‘m embarrassingly making up my calorie count and reducing my anxiety with alcohol. And I’m also still purging occasionally.
One of my last entries before I absented myself from the web was about an upcoming psychiatrist appointment. I saw my shrink and did manage to start talking about what was going on. He noticed that I’d lost weight and asked if I was ok, though he asked it more in a context of drug use. I did try and explain what was going on (with the purging and ED thoughts) but I freaked out and said I’d “just been dieting”. However it was partly that appointment that made me realize just out of control this was. So even if I didn’t actually talk to my shrink it at least had a positive effect.
Anyway... I’m happy to be back on my blog with some fairly positive news - that this is the first time since last October that I’ve gained weight, even if it is only a couple of pounds. I just need to try and keep this up and not lose it again.
So my goals are to keep to my plan to not gain or lose. And try and stop purging. And try to speak to my GP/shrink to see if I can try some meds... or anything really, to deal with how stressed out I feel.
