Shades of Grey

We’re coming to the end of winter I hope. The end of the grey months. Overcast, dreary day with stormy grey clouds. Grey is the colour of cold, windy days. Log fires in the hearth to keep the home warm, with chimneys spewing grey smoke and ash into the sky. Grey smog, pollution.

Grey is the colour of penitence – a traditional punishment would involve being forced to walk in barefoot through a town covered in grey ashes. Some churches use grey for Ash Wednesday (the seventh Wednesday before Easter Sunday – the first day of the Season of Lent) and for the entire Lent/fasting period, again to symbolise mourning and repentance.

As well as being a colour of penance grey can also denote an area of the edge of legality, or illegality. A ‘grey area’ in the law. A loop hole.

“There are three basic types of [arms] deal. White being legal, black being illegal, and my personal favourite colour, grey.” – Lord of War

The grey market is the practice in business of buying or selling items that are priced below what has been regulated, or through channels which while legal, are unauthorised and probably unintended by the original manufacturer. The grey economy refers to paying workers “cash in hand” avoiding relevant taxes or social contributions.

A grey suit is a safe, conservative (and boring) choice for the office. Grey was also one of the colours the lower classes were allowed wear in during the Tudor Era in England – according to English Sumptuary Laws of the time (also called the Statutes of Apparel – which was meant to regulate consumption, and prevent people from living beyond their means and wasting money on expensive items) the lower classes were only allowed to wear sheepskin, wool or linen in brown, beige, yellow, orange, green, grey or blue. Although these items were allowed to be trimmed with more expensive materials.

Something being considered a grey area can also demonstrate indecision, or being caught between two different (maybe opposing) viewpoints.

Grey as a colour denotes depression and sadness. The winter is often hell for people with Seasonal Affective Disorder, who are affected by the lack of sunlight in the winter months. And apparently the world does literally become more grey when one is depressed. 

The Mourning Dove (Zenaida macroura) is either grey or light brown in colour. Grey is the colour of a corpse and ghosts are traditionally transparent and grey in colour – a common apparition (and incidently the Ravenclaw ghost from the Happy Potter Series) is that of a grey lady.

Black items absorb all wavelengths of light, while white objects reflect all wavelengths equally. When an object absorbs most of the visible light spectrum, but reflects light of all wavelength roughly equally you see an object as grey. Effectively the colour grey is the reflection of white light at a lower intensity. If you shine a dim white light at a wall it will appear grey. Grey is the colour of old age. As we age our hair greys (this bit in particularly relevant, *stamps feet*, if you want to know why, keep reading). The intensity of the white light fades in the later years, greyer and dimmer, towards the end of life.

But, in Christianity, grey is also the colour often associated with the resurrection of the dead and Jesus if often depicted wearing a great cloak.

On another positive note, because grey is considered an intermediate colour - consisting of both black and white – grey can represent compromise, mediation, neutrality, balance and justice.

Grey is a colour of intelligence. With age comes wisdom and knowledge. The brain is often referred to as the “old grey matter”.

The colour grey is often associated with power and great institutions. The Grey Lady is another name for The New York Times or the B-52 Stratofortresses. The Grey Ghosts were a nickname for a military unit in WWII and Vietnam.

So there you have it - multiple different shades of grey.

“But why,” I hear you ask, “is North of Normal going on and on and on about the colour grey???” Well, I was styling my hair this morning and I haven’t dyed my roots for quite a while (I’ve been dying my hair since I was about 14). I found numerous grey hairs – as you can tell by the topic of today’s post I’m not obsessed with this AT ALL, and I’m perfectly happy to be going grey at not even 30 </sarcasm>. And they weren’t there in December as I had my hair restyled then and hadn’t dyed it for a while. Oh well, at least I’m obsessing about something other than eating today. Although I did find out during my "grey hair" Google marathon that malnutrition can cause premature greying so I went out on my lunch break and stocked up multivitamins (and hair dye) as I’m completely failing at stopping eating disordered behaviour so I’ll try and counteract malnutrition in other ways as well. (That being said I haven’t lost any more weight for about a week and even though I’m still purging a lot I’m probably eating more on the whole).

winter is just another step in the cycle of life

Last night and today have been pretty bad eating disorder-wise. I purged again last night and again today after lunch. Though I did eat and keep down a little breakfast today which is unusual for me. I guess I’ll keep trying to get back the normality I had at the weekend when for a couple of days the eating disorder didn’t control me.

On a positive note it did really feel like the first day of spring today. The weather was warm and my mood felt lighter. I walked around the city centre today, just enjoyed the sunshine, the fountains and the lights on the large Ferris wheel they’ve erected in the main square. (How very un-goth of me). Right now I’m staring out of the window of my birds-nest of an office. The tower block above the nearby shopping centre is a pale pink colour and right now the sunset is reflecting an array of red, orange and violet from its multitude of windows. I’m the only one left in the office (and about to leave myself) but right now the mood is very peaceful.

Hopefully I can take this mood home with me. I think I’ll try listening to the Amélie soundtrack on the commute.

GP visit

I saw my GP today (first thing this morning and then had to rush to work afterwards – oh joy) and my partner did go with me. Because partner was there I didn’t directly manage to say I was struggling with eating disorder problems again. I explained that my mood had been fine, but I was having some issues with obsessive/intrusive thoughts and that my partner had some worries about my current medication and side effects he was noticing that I hadn’t really noticed myself. Partner then explained some of the things that worried him with aspergers traits that he recognised from a colleague who had been diagnosed with aspergers. And he explained from his point of view how some of these traits (especially irritability/rituals) had been so much worse since taking this new medication.

I actually felt really shocked when he was talking as I didn’t realise how bizarrely I act sometimes from an outside point of view. He gave examples of how controlled I am by ritualistic behaviour and how this affected him and he found it hard to live with. He said that in recent months he’d felt sometimes I was so erratic/confused/forgetful it was like living with someone who had some form of dementia! That was really hard to hear and at first I felt like saying he was exaggerating or that it wasn’t true. But I guess it does tie in with the things I’ve been screwing up at work and how much I’m struggling with my work load (didn’t tell GP or partner this as hadn’t told partner how hard I was finding work at the moment and didn’t really want to go into it then and there). In the end GP made a couple of small recommendations and medication changes but really wanted me to see my psychiatrist to discuss any other medication changes/stopping any particular medication completely. I’m seeing psychiatrist in about 2 or 3 weeks.

I talked about it with partner on the way to the bus-stop so I could go to work and we discussed how actually talking to psychiatrist and potentially getting and ASD type diagnosis would or wouldn’t change things. He basically said he’d find it less frustrating if he knew there was a reason I sometimes acted the way I did. And he really thought that a different medication is really important as he says the erratic behaviour is something that isn’t me and is just because of the medication. I’ve just got to watch my mood now to make sure changes in medication don’t precipitate mood switching and go back to my GP if there is an issue.

Anyway, so in summary, I didn’t talk to GP about eating issues, but I do think that I made some big steps in letting partner be involved in medical care and how understanding/helpful he was has made me feel more confident about the potential for talking to him about eating problems. And hopefully if the medication was ramping up my intrusive/obsessive thoughts a lessening of them might actually help the eating issues as well. (Plus the medication does seem to have a big appetite suppression effect on me, so taking less of it might make it harder to engage in restrictive type behaviours).

Eating, however, hasn’t been too bad recently. I’ve not posted for a few days because I went away for a short break and didn’t have much internet access. While I was away I ate more or less normally and didn’t purge. And I actually gained a little bit of weight! Yesterday was a bit of a relapse into back into disordered ways (purged twice) and I’ve lost that little bit of weight again this morning. I’m currently on the border between normal/underweight, so I’ll try and maintain current weight and try and not weigh myself as often (I think the relapse yesterday was because of seeing that I’d gained) and try really really hard to talk to partner about what’s going on and/or be able to tell psychiatrist when I next see him. Telling psychiatrist might be easier as he often asks about content of intrusive/obsessive thoughts and that might give me a way to broach the subject. If I can’t tell partner (or psychiatrist, with partner present) then I’ll make a GP appointment (without partner) if I don’t manage to maintain my current weight/get purging under control.

Ok... enough waffling for the day... I guess I had a lot on my mind with not posting for a few days.

(Wrong) Diagnosis

I’m a very literal person. If someone says “ok, please explain this in minute detail” I often won’t realise that they’re being sarcastic and will start to explain <insert example> to them. I also often misinterpret people’s intentions/emotions. I’ll upset people as I don’t realise a topic is annoying them or will do something that I’ve understood they wanted – when they really wanted something completely different/opposite. I also fluctuate between being able to completely get absorbed in a task and block out the world around me completely, to being incredibly over-stimulated by small noises/distractions that other people wouldn’t notice. It’s a bit of a “running joke” in the office that I’m slightly on the Autistic Spectrum – one of my colleagues even pipes up and does social niceties on my behalf now as half the time I don’t naturally realise when I’m meant to acknowledge people (I’ve learned from experience when you’re meant to say certain things, but will often forget) so they jokingly do it for me – and I know they do like me and mean it in a fairly affectionate/friendly office banter kind of way. But recently a few people have said things that make me wonder if there’s anything in it. Do I have an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD)?

When partner and I row I get upset because I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong or how I could have done things differently, or don’t think I can do things differently so know we'll row again. He thinks that ASD is a possibility – based on his past experiences with some colleagues who had an ASD diagnosis. But my argument to that has always been that he’s fitting my behaviours onto a structure that he’s used to/knows/is familiar with – and if he’d worked with people who had other issues (like OCD) he’d probably spot that in me instead!  Either way he asked me to look into it (online) and said he’d go with me to see my doctor to ask about it if I agree it fits. And even if I disagree he would happily go with me to see my doctor and explain how I am from his point of view in case the doctor has any suggestions that would help.

So I have looked into it and there are some things that do fit. Though to be honest I’m not really a fan of looking up information online to diagnose yourself as it’s so easy to see everything in yourself if you over-think it enough/look hard enough. And even though I do probably meet some of the diagnostic criteria for ASD there’s also so much overlap with other disorders.  When I Google symptoms like “rituals”, “intrusive thoughts”, “obsessions”, “difficulty making small talk”, “noise sensitivity”, “overanalysing situations”, “misinterpreting people”, “irritability”, “taking people literally”... etc. Yes it does flag up pages about Autistic Spectrum Disorder. But it also brings up pages about Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, various Personality Disorders, Eating Disorders, and Sensory Integration Disorder and so on and so on and so on. For example it could be that I have a lot of OCD traits and coupled with the Eating Disorder/malnutrition  act a bit odd/out of kilter emotionally and I’m a bit socially inept, but no ASD. Or I guess just as equally I could have ASD and the stress it’s put me under coping with it all these years has caused all my other mental health issues.

One thing I did find fairly interesting was a few sites that flagged up mental health problems experienced by adults that had been born prematurely. I was born 6 weeks early (weighing in at a tiny 4lbs) and had to spend a short time in hospital as a newborn while my organs "finished developing" and the jaundice went away. The only issues it caused growing up was I was ridiculously small and skinny as a child (often the shortest person in my school year) and I didn’t really catch up growth wise until my teens (I’m now 5’7’’ which I think is around, or just above average). I’d never really thought of my prematurity being anything that could have influenced on-going health. Not that it matters why I’m like this... I’m more interested in how to not be like it, and I’ve got other relatives who are just as loopy as me and not born prematurely, so it could just as easily be genetic. Though fuck it... maybe the eating disorder isn’t really an eating disorder at all. Maybe it’s just a mix of OCD and sensory integration because I never cope with textures/flavours as a kid. (Has colic as a baby and then wouldn’t eat as a toddler and when I would eat as a kid I WOULDN’T eat sweet things, so I've always had food issues).

The only thing I’ve ever been diagnosed with (as in been told by a doctor “you have this”) in terms of my mental health is Bipolar Affective Disorder. And to be honest I’m not sure I really agree with that as the times when I’ve been allegedly high I find it hard to accept they were abnormal and I only really went on medication as couldn’t be bothered arguing with people. (I’m a bit of a seesaw about this as sometimes I will agree with this diagnosis and sometimes I don’t). I’ve probably also got comments in my notes about Eating Disorders (NOS?) and Borderline Personality Disorder – the latter, especially from around the time of my separation from the soon-to-be-ex-husband, as I’d started self-harming again and taken a small OD and the psychiatric nurse I saw applied the following formula: relationship instability + self-harm + ”pseudo”-suicidal gestures MUST = BPD + a referral to the local personality disorder network/treatment team. But that’s another topic/rant all together.

Anyway – I’m off on a tangent here...

There are things that don’t fit with ASD. I don’t think I have any issues with eye contact and I think I can talk about/express my emotions fairly well. I also think I’m fairly empathetic/caring and I do like other people, and I don’t really avoid social activity even though I’m a bit hopeless at it sometimes. I think I will take partner up on the offer of accompanying me to next doctor’s appointment – if only because I think it would be useful for psychiatrist to actually meet partner and get information on me from someone other than me. And I do usually push partner away when it comes to mental health problems, when really he could be such a useful support. Though I won’t take him to my GP appointment next week – I might wait until next psychiatrist appointment in March. Partly because I think my GP will just tell me to bring it up with the psychiatrist anyway. And partly because I was hoping to mention eating problems/weight-loss to GP and don’t think I’m ready to admit to partner what I’ve been doing. (I think I’ll feel more able to broach it once I’ve spoken to someone else about it).

Sorry this is so long; I guess I just needed to get all these thoughts off my chest. If you’ve read all this you deserve a medal!!!

Negative/Positive

My partner said I should try and focus on the positives more as apparently I can be a very negative person. I initially started writing this post as very short statements of negative ARGHness. So I’ve gone through it again and tried to add positive comments after each negative statement.

Another row with partner – I wish I could tell him why I’m so irritable and why I can’t seem to focus on anything.

But apart from the last couple of days we really do have a very strong relationship.

And I’ve been very busy at work again only this time it feels like I’m drowning rather than using the work as a distraction.

I’ve been so busy today because I have had so many meetings – I’ve been in these meetings because people invite me as they value my opinion. Tomorrow I only have one meeting and will have time to focus on other tasks. And tomorrow is Friday and the start of the weekend!

I purged again last night. I feel like I’m failing at recovery!

But the thoughts have been fairly quiet since then and I’ve had a “normal” day. I’ve managed a “normal” lunch – avoiding all the little rituals and obsessions usually accompanying it. And I even had a snack in the afternoon. And there’s been no real change in relation to weight. Not really down, and not up.

Back at work and relationship woe

I’m feeling a lot better, plague-wise, today and have dragged myself back to work. Although a tornado of chaos seems to have taken advantage of my brief absence. Or maybe the fact that my workload was already teetering on the brink of disaster meant that one day away was the straw which broke the camels back. Panic does concentrate the mind wonderfully – so I’ve had an ok day in terms of negative thoughts and got a lot done in da office!

I’m hoping the rest of the evening carries on in the same vein. (I know I’ve got a fair few things to do at home as well… busy busy busy).

Only negative point was a bit of a row with The Partner. I’ve been very irritable lately (which I think is a combination of lack of food/general moodiness or depression) and it resulted in shouting/meanness/things-best-unsaid-being-said. *Oops*. Anyway he wanted to know “what on earth was so wrong at the moment”. I tried to tell him. I really did. I find it so hard to talk to him about mental health issues. He knew about the relapse with depression (although he thinks taking antidepressants is a stupid idea). He doesn’t know that burning my arm just before Christmas was deliberate. And he doesn’t know that I’ve been purging/restricting since last November (he thinks that it’s a “normal diet”). It was on the tip of my tongue. But I was so scared it would make the argument worse. I just know that he won’t know how to feel if I tell him and he’ll probably deal with the confusion by shouting/feeling angry – I don’t think the anger will be necessarily directed at me… but shouting/anger is something I can’t deal with. We’ve both calmed down now and forgiven/mostly forgotten. I will try to tell him at some point – though, the middle of an argument isn’t the right time. Maybe telling my GP will make it easier to talk to other people about this.

Challenging the Status Quo

My cold has escalated to plague from hell and I’ve taken the day off work to recuperate (read: rock backwards and forwards in bed). I’ve been reading a book by John Langdon called Wordplay – The Philosophy, Art and Science of Ambigrams. The idea of an ambigram is to write a word and mutate the letters, so while still readable, the have some degree of symmetry (rotational/mirror) and so that the final ambigram is also a visual representation of the word. You can see some of the examples from his book on his website – I really like Art&Science/Philosophy and Waterfall.

The book has also spoken a lot to me about balance/control/power – it talks a lot about YingYang and the ideas behind Taoism. One of the parts I read today that deeply affected me was the section entitled “Choice/Decide”. Every day people say “I have to go to work”, “I’m obliged to pay my gas bill”, “I need to walk the dog” or “I must write a blog entry”. Fundamentally you feel like you have to do these things, and there may be negative outcomes if you don’t, but realistically you don’t HAVE to do them – you decide that you are going to do them, but you could equally decide “fuck it, I’m not going to, I’ll deal with consequences as they arise”. The author advocates trying to alter your speech/thoughts to represent the true power/control you possess over everyday situations, to realise that all these “have to” moments are actually unconscious choices and to rephrase them: “I choose to go to work”, “I decide to pay my gas bill”, “I wish to walk the dog” and “I want to write a blog entry”.

Sometimes I feel I don’t have any control over my actions. For example I haven’t been able to eat much today, but I still purged once. I felt like I had to – like I didn’t have a choice. But I did. I do have a choice on whether I act on these urges. And I think it’s really important that I never forget that.

This is a scan from the above mentioned book - interlocking mirror image ambigrams of the words Choice and Decide (I find the lattice pattern very soothing):

PS - thank you for recent comments, because I'm ill at home I don't have stamina to go round many blogs today, but normal operating will resume soon (I hope).

A rambling entry about my weekend, weightloss and work

Well the busy weekend was good and I didn’t purge on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. And On Saturday and Sunday I ate more or less normally. This morning I had lost about a pound - which was shocking given food/alcohol intake over the weekend. I guess I must have either eaten less than I thought or done more than I’d thought – or maybe it just takes more than a couple of days normal eating to reverse the calorie restriction of recent months. But even so this weekend is fairly positive in terms of fighting back against the eating disorder.

Today has been mostly rubbish in that I’ve come down with a horrible cold. I was trying really hard to keep up the good work of the weekend and use the theory that you should “feed a cold” so I ate a lot for lunch. But that did tip me over the edge and I ended up purging.

Immediately after I came back from the bathroom (after purging) I had a customer/client turn up unexpectedly to see me. A lot of my role is managing customers/client’s records, but a significant part of my role is pastoral. I often end up being the initial point of contact when something is affecting a customer/client’s ability to work with the organisation, and I have to listen to the problems, put practical work related assistance in place where appropriate and direct customers/client’s to appropriate services/support within our organisation and related organisations. This particular person is really struggling with depression and I’ve been strongly suggesting to them that they should make an appointment with their GP (along with some other stuff that my organisation can help with).* I felt so hypocritical sitting there, feeling dizzy, with my throat throbbing and positive that my breath probably reeked of sick, trying to reassure them that it would be a sensible thing to do when I’m pretty much terrified of seeing my GP about the issues I’m having. It’s a pity that I won’t listen to my own advice!

*This is difficult to express with explaining exactly what my job is/where I work, and client/customer isn’t really the best terminology, but since this is an anonymous blog it’ll just have to be vague! Please be assured that by the nature of my vagueness you’re not getting all the details and all appropriate advice has been given/action been taken. And also I’ve changed a couple of key details, without changing the gist of the story, to protect my/client/customer anonymity and also on the extremely unlikely off-chance that my client/customer would read this blog and think “hey I went to see X today unexpectedly to talk about my problems and they had just come back from the loo and they did look a bit ill during the meeting, maybe this is their blog”, then no, sorry, I’ve changed details so that if you think you recognise yourself then it’s definitely not you! This and all examples I use from the workplace will always be amalgamations of real events that illustrate the point while still leaving me/others unidentifiable. Phew! Hope that incoherent babble made sense!!!

The one where she's a bit mental in the workplace...

I’m struggling at work a bit at the moment. I've almost fainted a couple of times during long presentations/getting up from my desk. And now I've missed a really important meeting yesterday. I spent the entire afternoon obsessing about weight/food/etc. and then suddenly looked at the clock at it was 5.45. My meeting was at 3!!! I didn’t even realise. Luckily I’m usually a model employee so apologies were accepted and the meeting rearranged. I even managed to light heartedly joke about how I’d spent half the day convinced it was Tuesday and that’s why I’d forgotten. Sympathetic replies “no worries, everyone does stuff like that occasionally!” – thank God for working in the public sector! But I’m so angry with myself. I’m treading water at work at the moment trying to stay on top of everything that’s coming in and covering for a couple of staff absences. While trying very hard not to let my clients/customers and colleagues see the cracks because I'm only getting half the stuff done because the thoughts are so intrusive and distracting.

I know from previous experience I can usually get away with coasting for a little while. Last summer when I was hypomanic, after a brief period of ultra-efficiency where I felt great/got loads done, it escalated to the point of zero concentration, extreme anxiety/irritability and embarrassing impulsive behaviour (*blushes* even to think about that to be honest). That lasted for about 3 weeks before I was finally convinced (by the one colleague that knows about these issues) that I should maybe go to my GP. Which was when I started back on medication. And once I was more in control I quickly caught up with the backlog – thankfully in time for October which is a key point in my organisations year. But I hope I get my head above the water soon before I end up irretrievably behind. My next key point in the year will be starting in April and running through to August. Plus I’ve got potential exciting job opportunity that I need to apply for and I will hate myself if my mental health problems get in the way of yet another thing. (Even though I shouldn’t blame myself, I really really do!)

I did purge again last night as well. Well two days this week is still better than none. And I met a friend for lunch today and ate something I would never normally eat and didn’t even contemplate purging. And I’ve got a really busy weekend planned so hopefully plenty of distraction from the thoughts!

A small step forward (maybe)

I didn’t purge yesterday. Though I didn’t eat much, it was definitely more than I felt comfortable with - I really had to push back and argue against the thoughts. I had to eat breakfast this morning as my partner made me some and then didn’t leave the room so there was no way I could avoid it, and no real opportunity. Though I did give a few little scraps to the pets I think without being noticed. And I’ve cut back lunch time calories a bit (only a tiny bit) to try and cope with the urges while still eating something. I’ve planned a meal for later that I think I feel happy with and hopefully I’ll be able to resist purging again. Two days in a row would be awesome. I know it’s not a massive improvement but that’s two nights this week (Sunday and Wednesday) where I’ve managed not to purge. Before I started this blog I was purging everyday and it had been weeks since I’d gone a day without purging. In my post at the start of February my plan was to try and cut back on the purging a little bit each week. So at least that’s something positive, it's not a great step, and it might be random chance, but it could be a step in the right direction.

I am worried that partner is suspecting a return to eating disorder ways, as he has asked about them a few times recently and then this morning with breakfast, I have wondered if he’s trying to give me an opening to admit what’s going on. Though I think I’m probably just being paranoid as I’d need to lose a bit more weight before I start looking thin or anything. I guess it would be easier to fight this if he knew because if would mean it would be harder to follow the urges if someone else was watching out for them and it would give me some real life accountability. At the moment this blog helps a bit as I am determined to be honest on here (well, hell... it’s anonymous, so it feels safe to be honest here) and I do want to be able to turn round and write that things are going well. But although the accountability would be an advantage I’d be terrified to tell him. What if I need to purge and he stops me. Yeah, I know that would be kind of the point, I know rationally I shouldn’t be doing this, but I can’t have that kind of control taken away from me... if I managed to resist and urge I want it to be because I’m strong, not because I physically stopped from doing it. And I’m scared we’d argue about it and the last thing I want right now is to argue with him – I think shouting would just make dealing with these feelings harder.

What on earth is fuelling these eating disordered thoughts?!?!?!?!?

I did end up both running and purging last night. I was quite angry with myself because I put so much effort into running and kept going so long that I felt dizzy. I really thought that I’d managed to convince my thoughts that I’d done enough. “Please, accept this and leave me alone for a while”. But no, they just completely took over my head and I couldn’t stop myself. I honestly tried, but I just couldn’t. I really don’t understand why I find this so difficult. Right now I’m sitting here thinking about the rest of the day and I can imagine going home and eating and being able to fight how I feel and not purge. But once I’m in the situation I seem to lose all control.

Even when my eating problems were at their most severe (when I was about 17) I don’t remember the thoughts ever having this much control over me. Though that was a long time ago, so maybe I just don’t remember accurately. The only thing I can compare this to is when my self-harm was at its worse and I literally couldn’t stop myself. But at that time I was also very depressed and that usually reduces my ability to argue with my thoughts. Now, when I get self-harm urges, which is fairly common, I am pretty much 100% ok with resisting them... even ignoring them. The only time I’ve given into a self-harm urge in years was when I got very down last November/December. And even then I only did one very minor injury because I still had some control.

So self-harm is very much something that resolves when my mood improves. And in the past eating disorder thoughts/behaviours have resolved with improved mood as well. It’s just at the moment I don’t feel that down – yesterday I even felt a little bit up (see side note below). I just can’t figure out why the eating disorder is so strong at the moment when there’s nothing in my mood/life that could be causing it. I’m quite anxious, but I think that the anxiety is caused by the eating disorder. Or maybe it’s a vicious cycle in that the depressive episode last November triggered the eating disorder, which in turn triggered anxiety, and now the eating disorder is kind of fuelling itself, even with the remittance of mood symptoms. Ever increasing cycles of disorder thoughts and anxiety and thoughts and anxiety.

Side Note: I’ve cut back drastically on caffeine today, and am trying to take good emotional care of myself in everyway I actually feel able to (so, most ways, except nutritionally), as I don’t really want mood instability issues right now... tragically this “taking care of myself” is mostly because there is NO WAY I could possibly take any of the anti-psychotics I’ve taken in the past as I refuse to accept the risk of weight gain. I’ve got a check list of symptoms for switches to hypomania/mania and have an agreement with my doctor that at what point I should restart olanzapine (I have a small “for emergencies” supply at home) and see my doctor. At the moment I don’t think I could honour that agreement because there is no way I could take olanzapine at the moment – olanzapine is like obesity in a pill! Even if I don’t manage to tell my GP about the purging/restricting I have resolved that I will tell him that I no longer think I could stick to that hypomania relapse plan – I’m hoping that this will help me broach the topic of eating concerns and at very least he could suggest a different medication I could keep at home in case my mood switches. I'm kind of resigned to the fact that I do need to get some support from my medical team in fighting this. I started this blog to try and almost talk myself into getting better. But I'm getting absolutely nowhere and feel very powerless. I'll need to see my GP to get a new prescription in just under two weeks. Unless something drastically changes before then I'll try and say something. (I'm completely terrified of the prospect!!!!)

Faster and faster

Colleague absence at work today has meant travelling at 100 miles an hour. I’ve been doing two jobs at once and trying to do both fantastically. Well, because there are no other options in my book, and why ruin my awesome reputation as superwomen!!! It has been good as it has kept the eating disorder thoughts very much at bay – I’ve been too busy to stop and think. And I’m also been too busy to spend any time at all looking at diet websites or watching diet programmes online. But it is bad as it’s meant I’ve also been too busy to really eat. When I did eat something it wasn’t at my normal time which would normally be very upsetting – though all other variables were the same and I was so hyped up on caffeine that I managed to stay on top of desire to purge. A lot of nervous energy though. I have a habit when I’m in restless of chewing the inside of my cheeks. I always have mouth ulcers – but today it’s absolutely in ribbons and really hurts. Ow!

I’m finally trying to wind down at the end of the day (switched off caffeine, onto peppermint) and getting ready to go home. But I won’t really get to stop when I get there. I’m meeting a friend to go out for dinner and I really don’t want to purge – but I’m already feeling like I’ll need to. I’m trying to bargain with my thoughts and if I go for a run I think I might be ok to resist the urges. I definitely rather run than purge – even though, obviously with trying to combat the thoughts, I should try and do neither. But I don’t know if my thoughts will trick me into running and then purging anyway. I’ve got so much energy today I think I’ll be running for miles so surely that will appease it.

Here’s hoping that my thoughts/brain has calmed down by later tonight or I will not be needing to sleep which is never good sign for overall mental health. *sigh*

Lying/Guilt

The weekend was a bit of a mixed bag. Friday had started off fairly well, but it deteriorated when I got home and then was a sharp increase in negative thoughts and I ended up hardly eating anything, then purging. Saturday was atrocious, with huge amounts of self hate, a lot of urges and I think I only kept down 300 calories with about 100 of those from alcohol. On Sunday my weight was down and the thoughts subsequently really eased off. I did still end up going for an eight mile walk (which felt similar to resistance training in the gale force winds we’re experiencing at the moment) but I managed to eat a couple of spoonfuls of cereal for breakfast, half an energy drink, most of an evening meal and some alcohol (spirits with diet mixer) – and I didn’t purge once.

Today I don’t feel mentally that bad – I don’t feel depressed at any rate. I’ve eaten my normal lunch without any problems. But I have been watching diet programmes online, which is triggering a few negative thoughts. Can’t seem to stop watching them though! I resisted watching them for a good few hours today but I’d find my mind wandering and thinking, thinking, THINKING, about them. Until the thoughts literally fill my entire consciousness.

I’m feeling quite guilty a lot of the time. I feel guilty about all the lies I’m telling to people who genuinely care about me. My partner was talking about how well I’m doing with my dieting and how he’s working hard on dieting at the moment as well. He was asking about my eating disorder when I was a teenager. I did wonder if he suspected something and was trying to give me a chance to open up. But silver-tongued I skipped around the topic and onto something else. Several friends/colleagues (who are also dieting) chat about diet tips and happily I talk the “healthy diet” talk:

...“oh yes, I’m obviously making sure that I’m still eating a good balance”

...“I’ve lost about 20lbs so far, but haven’t really lost anything since Christmas”

...“I know! Everyone keeps saying it looks like I’ve lost more than that, I honestly haven’t”

...“maybe I’m building muscle and loosing fat – but no, I definitely haven’t lost anymore weight”.

...“I’d like to lose maybe another 10lbs, and then I’ll work on maintaining my weight”

That last one is something I keep saying to myself. Lying to myself! I use it as an excuse for why I don’t need to talk to my GP/psychiatrist – because once I’ve lost then next 10lb I’ll be able to stop so they don’t need to know, right? The only problem is that I think I was saying this to myself 10lbs ago. I know for certain I was saying this to myself 5lbs ago (when I started this blog). But the problem is I actually believe it. When I look in the mirror I can see where the excess 10lbs is and say to myself – once that is gone I’ll be happy. I can visualise pound size chunks overlaid on the body in the mirror and imagine how perfect it will be when they’re gone. Why on earth would I need help while I still have those really obvious 10lbs to go? Surely my GP will just laugh me out of his office and suggest that I do need to lose these 10lbs and then, only then, should I worry about too much weight loss. Even logical arguments like the fact that I am purging on a pretty much daily basis and that can’t be that good for me don’t make a difference. Because, as my brain tells me, I really need to get rid of this excess 10lbs and need to do this so urgently that any method is justified if it gets rid of it quickly.

These thoughts are incredibly strong and I find it very hard to combat them. I’m trying, but it’s hard.

Meals, Mood and Medication et al.

Today has been a lot better. I ate a meal last night and although I did end up purging I had left it a while and only managed to get rid of a tiny bit. And even though my weight was the same this morning as yesterday (which normally triggers urges/self hatred “you’re useless, why haven’t you lost weight?”) I broke my lunch time routine a bit and had something different. Probably about the same in calories, but it wasn’t from my list of “safe foods”, so that’s a small triumph. Despite all this the thoughts have stayed fairly quiet. I’m also not feeling quite as ill. I still have a tentative eye infection, but my throats less sore and I’m not coughing anymore. My moods up a little bit, still not normal levels of operating; my thoughts are a bit sluggish. Yesterday my brain felt like treacle and I felt quite tearful. But today I’ve been fairly productive at work and won’t be leaving things in a complete state for the start of next week. So here’s hoping it was just a combination of illness/hormones as I really don’t want to deal with a proper depressive episode on top of all this.

I am aware that lack of food can precipitate depression and I’m doing the best I can to combat that (i.e. the lack of food), but depression right now would just make it even harder to fight the urges. I have a lot less resources to deal with bad thoughts when I get depressed. I get exhausted by them so easily and just start giving in to them – which right now would not be a good thing.

A comment on my previous post mentioned thinking that their eating disorder helped them control their mood, but actually they have more control over mood when in recovery. I think that’s interesting, because this relapse was very much interlinked with the aftermath of a hypomanic episode. I was quite upset and disappointed that I’d needed to take medication to control my mood, because before last summer I’d been medication free for a long while. It was difficult (and still is) to believe that I needed medication - even though people who I trust told me that I should take it. And the medication (olanzapine) had caused me to gain a fair bit of weight. Around October time I started to feel depressed and then in November I started loosing weight. This did start initially as a healthy diet to get rid of the weight I’d put on while taking olanzapine. In retrospect the healthy diet did very quickly descend it eating disorder behaviour and I think it took hold so quickly because part of me did feel more in control of my moods. When I saw my psychiatrist in December he started me on an antidepressant which really has sorted my low mood out a lot, but didn’t really deal with the eating disorder urges – in fact if anything they’re stronger than they were before I started taking them.

I guess it’s something else to think about when I’m trying to argue with the thoughts/urges. I really don’t want to be out of control like I was over the summer, but I think now I’m out of control in a completely different way.

#Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved #

No real change. Didn’t eat much and purged what I did eat in the evening. Did drink a small amount of alcohol and was up half the night worrying about the calories. This morning I couldn’t get out of bed. I think my immune system is under attack as I’ve got the start of an eye infection, I’m coughing and my throat hurts. Several people at work are also ill so I think it’s going round. I weighed myself and it was down a couple of pounds since yesterday. But I think I’m dehydrated so it’s probably not right and also period of doom is here and that means weight isn’t reliable. I ate a roll for breakfast when I arrived to work. And then around half an hour later I could stand it any more so tried to purge, but I couldn’t get anything up. I had to leave the office on my lunch break to run some errands today and ended up skipping lunch completely.

Must. Try. Harder!!!

It’s probably a combination of hormones, stress and illness, but my mood has taken a sharp drop today.

My iPod played me Alice in Chains, Down In A Hole as I walked across the city earlier. My iPod always seems to play songs that completely mirror my mood. Some of the lyrics are:

Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don't understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be
Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, losing my soul
I’d like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied

I know realistically it’s not linked to my mood, and when it seems to it is just an example of confirmation bias. Sometimes I find it comforting when it happens (like the other day I was thinking about my soon-to-be-ex-husband and it then played The Beatles, Let It Be – which was the perfect song for right then) but today it just made me feel sad.

I guess Alice In Chains aren't the most cheerful of bands! Will listen to something cheerful on the way home from work tonight!!!

New Tactics (i.e. current tactics = fail)

I did a couple of positive things yesterday – in that I managed to resist looking at or buying any new scales and didn’t stop off to weigh myself at the chemist on the way home. I even felt fairly good when cooking and eating. But then the thoughts really kicked in and I ended up purging, going for a run and spending the rest of the evening obsessing about what I’d eaten and hating myself. I didn’t sleep very well as I was thinking about whether I’d manage to go without weighing myself in the morning. This morning I just couldn’t not weigh myself and when I did it made me even more anxious as I hadn’t lost weight. My damn period arrived later in the day so that’s probably why my weight has being a bit screwy and also why I was getting abdominal pains (which did worry me as I thought maybe I’d done some damage). Fecking water retention. The lack of weight loss meant that I again struggled with lunch and actually cut the number of calories consumed in half. I’ll try and get back to normal on that tomorrow as lunch is usually the one reliable meal and I don’t want to lose that.

I’m annoyed at myself because looking at yesterday (and the previous few days – since I’ve been blogging) from an objective point of view I have to admit I’m pretty much failing to counteract the eating disorder behaviours. When I think about it in my head I always think to myself “well I managed to do X and Y so I’m doing a great job of beating this”, like I’m wearing rose tinted glasses. I guess the eating disorder is distorting the way I see things. But then when I put it in writing and read it back to myself, I realise, well… no… actually the urges I am giving into far out weigh (ha) the urges that I’ve managed to resist. I had my first comments on this blog yesterday (thank you, both of you) and one of them suggested that I probably should tell my GP what’s going on even if I do manage to get more control before my next appointment. Begrudgingly I’m willing to concede it might be a good idea. And thank you for the suggestion, I may try writing down what I want to say in case I freeze and can’t say anything when I’m there. It’s still a few weeks away (I can’t face the idea of going any sooner) so I’ve got a bit of time to think.

In other news the ideal job has become available where I work. This is a job I interviewed for a few years ago and was told I was a very close second choice for the role and they’ve now decided to expand the team and create a new role. I’ve been doing some work – as a side project - for this team for a long time now so I’ve got loads more experience to make a strong application (stronger than last time), but I have to go through the same application process again – only now I imagine I’ll be up against a much much tougher group. Applications for where I work are through the roof because of the recession. I’m sure they’ll be expecting at least 80 applications for this one post. (Last time there was only about 15). It’s really bad timing as I’m struggling so much right now and don’t know if I have the time or energy to throw myself into this process or the stamina to put on a good show if I get the interview. But this role would solve so many of my financial and career based concerns. Around the time of my major break up in 2008, and my mini-eating relapse/general argh-ness I made a couple of terrible career decisions (left a prestigious role under a bit of a black cloud) and securing this new position would go a long way to getting the career back on track. I guess it’s good as it gives me something else to fight for and I can use it to motivate myself.

On that note I’ve spent the afternoon (since I found out about this job opportunity) thinking about trying a new tactic. Instead of aiming to fight urges by thinking ahead at situations I find hard and flagging them up in my head – like yesterday when I listed things I would try/try not to do – I will try and focus on the positives of not giving into urges. The former approach I feel is just causing me more anxiety. I’m spending the preceding time thinking about how I’m going to deal with the urge and panicking. Then, if I succeed, I end up dealing with an even worse fall out, partly because of the build up, with the amount of emotional energy I’ve expended fighting the initial urge, I just don’t have the resources to fight anymore. I’m exhausted. This way I’ll hopefully be more relaxed and positive and maybe that will get results instead. I’m hoping it can’t be any worse anyway!

So in the spirit of trying this alternative tactic: Positive things to focus on and hopefully help me not give into urges:

1)     I want to have the energy and stamina to really go for this job opportunity

2)     Me and current partner want to have children one day (though only once we are “proper grown-ups” though)

3)     Me and my ex are finally getting divorced and I want to be around to enjoy being legally free from him

4)     It’ll be summer soon

5)     To (hopefully) be continued…

TV sucks

The thoughts were fairly bad last night and I did end up purging. I weighed myself this morning and haven’t lost any more weight and the dial even wavered on saying I’d gained weight. My scales aren’t very good and can vary depending on where they’re placed in the bathroom. What I normally do is weigh myself several times and then assume that the highest weight I get must be correct. I’m really quite upset now. It’s taken a lot of my emotional reserves to actually come to work today and not just go straight out and buy some new scales or find a chemist that would have accurate scales to weigh myself on. Uncertainty about my weight has resulted in some self-destructive urges have been quite bad at points today and I very nearly purged today at lunch time, which is normally my one safe meal. I did manage to stop myself in the end (I used the wait five minutes, then another five minutes, then another five minutes, tactic).

I also seem to be deliberately jeopardising myself a lot. Several of the women in my office are on diets and I’ve been getting involved with their discussions on diet tips and tricks. And during my lunch break I watched a diet show on YouTube (10 Thing You Should Know if You Want to Lose Weight). It’s frustrating how socially acceptable it is to diet, even if you’re blatantly not doing it healthily. Surely it’s obvious to most people that it’s not a good thing that I eat exactly the same (very small and not particularly nutritious) thing every day for lunch. But instead I’m applauded for my will power. The UK is running The Biggest Loser on ITV at the moment and I’m hooked on it. But the show is a complete joke. The have “temptation tests” where they can potentially get rewards (reducing the chance of being evicted) for eating unhealthy foods. But if they eat the unhealthy foods and then don’t burn the calories off then they increase the chance of eviction as they won’t have lost much weight. And they’re all in competition with each other for a prize of £20000. It just breeds such an unhealthy atmosphere to people who already must have body image and self esteem issues. I’m also disgusted with myself for watching it – but I can’t seem to look away.

With purging last night my plan on convincing myself to talk to my GP isn’t going well. I counted how many pills I had left I have 22 days. So I’ll probably have a doctors appointment either on the 21^st or 22^nd of February. More likely the 22^nd as it’s easier to book time off work on Tuesdays. I don’t think I’m going to be able to stop purging just like that (I’m currently purging at least once a day) so I think this week I’m going to try and purge no more than five time, the following week three and the final week once. If I can do that without ramping up other eating disorder behaviours to compensate, then I won’t talk to my GP. If I can’t do that then I’m somehow going to have to find the courage to speak up when I’m at my appointment*. (This is absolutely terrifying so I really really really must succeed in fighting this by myself.)

Things I will do to prove I’m not giving into the eating disorder completely

-         I will stop looking online at new scales I could buy

-         I will not stop at the chemist on the way home and weigh myself

-         I will cook and eat a meal when I get home tonight

-         I will try not to purge tonight

-         I will try not to weigh myself tomorrow morning

* I don’t even know how I’ll go about broaching the subject so any suggestions would be extremely welcome.