Giving up seems like an excellent proposition.

I've worked really hard on eating these last few days, though I did purge once yesterday. I've been adding a few pieces of chocolate to my diet, which was very difficult, but obviously adds to the total number of calories I'm consuming. If my calculations are correct I've actually been getting the right amount of calories since my last post. If the scales were right this morning, however, I've lost another pound. Obviously it could just be down to dehydration, but I guess the fact that I'm not gaining any weight at all, and potentially still losing a bit, means that despite all my efforts I'm still not eating enough.

It's ridiculous as I feel like I'm constantly eating at the moment and my abdomen feels swollen, huge and disgusting. How on earth can this not be enough food? How on earth am I meant to eat any more? How on earth can I not have put on weight when I look so huge. I feel in a constant state of panic/anxiety. This morning after eating breakfast I sat down to read the news and the world felt like it was spinning and I felt so sick. The more I try and fight the thoughts and eat and not purge the worse it gets. I guess there's no option but to keep trying. Though giving up and going back to secretly purging regularly seems so attractive right now.

Can't trust myself

My weight has been stable so far this week. I've done ok with eating except for today when I've failed miserably at not purging. Boyfriend is out with friends this evening and it's kind of left me to my own devices. I'd agreed a meal that I would eat with him. It just needed heating up. But I think because it didn't feel that there was the accountability, someone who'd notice if I went straight to the bathroom, I purged almost immediately afterwards. So I tried to make something else but purged that. And then I gave up. I think in this case not eating is less destructive than repetitive purging. 

Maybe when boyfriend gets back I'll try and eat something with him. But I don't think I'll tell him about the purging. I'll be honest and that's partly as he'll shout/be disappointed/be angry and then I'll feel bad. But it's also partly because I don't want him to feel that I can't be trusted to eat by myself. And connected with that I don't want him to feel a responsibility for looking after me and making sure I eat and don't purge.

I'm nearly 30 for f**ks sake. I don't want to have to rely on other people. I hate the fact that I need tablets to keep my mood stable. I hate the fact that I have to see a psychiatrist and that I'm waiting to see a psychologist. I hate the fact that apparently I can't rely on me.

Counting points the none WeightWatcher way

After posting yesterday I did managed to eat about another 700 calories. I made a mushroom and aubergine stroganoff with rice and garlic bread. I don't know exactly how many calories as I've taken various ingredients out of there original packages as I was getting far to hung up on calorie content. Now the packaging reads things like "rice, brown, 20 mins to boil", "tomatos, chopped" and "garlic bread, slices, 8 mins to grill". I'm trying to focus on what is actually the correct amount/ratio of each ingredient rather than what my thoughts tell me is ok.

[1 point for eating something when I didn't know the exact calorie content]

And today I've managed 1227 so far. It would have been less as I really wanted to skip lunch, but I knew a friend was going to be in town today, and when I started thinking about throwing my lunch away I made plans to meet her and have our packed lunches in a nearby park.

[1 point for making time for relaxing and 1 point for stopping myself from skipping lunch]

But I've really no idea where I'm going to get any more from today. I keep running over what we have in the cupboards and trying to think about what I feel ok with. But either way I've still consumed more than last week and I guess it's a work in progress.

Eating Enough

I did purge yesterday. But I tried to be proactive in battling it. We went out to visit friends last night and it involved about 45mins on buses to get there. Just before we left I made myself eat an entire bag of mixed nuts and fruit (about 800 calories worth) knowing that I probably wouldn't have the opportunity to get rid of it. It played on my mind all night and I was only slightly reassured when I weighed myself this morning to see that the number hadn't changed. But it has given me the ability to convince myself to eat a bit more today. I'm managed some fruit, some bran cereal with milk, and a piece of toast with light spread. I've calculated it to be 429 calories, which is above my batting average for this point in the day.

With the 800 from the dried fruit/nuts I think I managed just under 2000 calories yesterday, for the first time in months. This isn't really enough to gain weight back, but if I can keep it up I could try and not lose anymore until I can cope with adding a bit more. I'm by no means seriously underweight and if I can stay on top of this and keep a lid on the purging hopefully I can manage. I'll try and get a supply of nuts/dried fruit in as I think that's something I could trust and use to make up calories on the days when I do purge or not manage to eat enough in normal meals. Fingers crossed.

Start Again

I've decided to try and see today as a fresh start. I've been mentally beating myself up and berating myself over my slip back into purging the last couple of days. I'm going to (try and) stop doing that - both the purging and the beating myself up if I fail. When I saw my psychiatrist I had already gone a couple of days without purging and they said (and this is completely paraphrased, but how I understood it) that the early stages of trying to combat any kind of self-destructive behaviour would always be the part where you were most vulnerable to giving in to the destructive urges, and that I should be gentle with myself and get support if I need it.

Piling more self hate on top of what's already there is just making it harder to fight and I'm just going to try and ignore the slips and move forward. When I finally stopped self harm, it wasn't an overnight miracle, it took months of gradually harming less and less. Prehaps I'm naive, but I expected, wanted, this to be different. Flicking a switch that turns off the ED thoughts and the behaviours magically stop. So the "new" paradigm is that although it's not ok to slip, it's not the end of the world and doesn't mean I've stopped trying to fight this.

This morning when I woke up I felt really crap and partner wanted to eat fried eggs, toast and beans for breakfast!!! I knew that if I ate that I would find it very difficult to resist purging. But I'm also really really trying to eat as I know I need to try and gain back about 6lbs to be back at a minimum healthy weight. So I made breakfast for us both. And I didn't eat it all, but I did manage to eat 3 bites of bread with a bit of egg on it. I had to stop then, but I'm pleased that I managed to eat egg, fried egg at that, and bread. Both of which are not salad (which is all I really feel ok with eating without purging). We've agreed on something light for lunch so I'm hoping that will be easier and that I'll be able to eat more.

Purging again

I'm hoping it's just a temporary blip but I've been purging again the last couple of days. I was trying so hard. Trying to actually eat a "reasonable" amount of calories. But the amount I know logically I should aim to be eating just seems so utterly unreasonable and when I try and eat more the urge to get rid of it is unconquerable. Or at least it feels like it is. 

The thing that pushed me over the edge yesterday was a small bowl of icecream. I'd had 190 calories while at work and then ate a small evening meal (bulking up my plate with salad to hide how little I was eating). Then partner, who is now in the "you need a gain a few pounds" camp gave me a bowl of icecream. I tried so hard not to, but I ended up purging. Though I did force myself to eat a piece of toast and a raw mushroom to try and replace some of the calories. 

I think giving in that one time made it a lot harder. Tonight I couldn't resist the urge. *sigh*

Though I'm trying to remind myself it took me several false starts to quit smoking... so maybe next time will be the charm.

No title

Just a very brief update today as I have plans tonight, but I want to get back in the "habbit" of posting here as I think it will help order my thoughts. My psychiatrist suggested trying to find things to focus on outside myself and try and treat/be nice to myself. So tonight I'm going to spend some time with a friend and watch movies.

Today has been more of the same in terms of eating i.e. not really happening to any great extent. Oh well, I guess I'll try again tomorrow. I might try making myself a packed lunch of perrishable food as I think I'd feel guilty about making it and throwing it away and maybe that guilt will be more powerful than the anxiety I feel at eating it. Maybe. In positive news it is now 12 days since I last purged. Which is about 9 more than my last attempt at stopping purging.

The Good, The Bad and The Update.

It's been a while since I posted here and I really have missed having an outlet where I can talk honestly about what's going on in my head. After my last post I managed to keep an even keel for several weeks and then recently everything's deteriorated again. It was almost like I ran out of fuel and couldn't keep "recovery" moving forward any further. Currently things are worse in some ways but better in others.

In the things-are-better camp - I finally gathered the courage and told my boyfriend what was going on i.e. purging/ED thoughts. He didn't react that well at first, but has been very supportive since then. He told me I had to tell my psychiatrist, which I managed to do a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't as awful as I thought it would be, telling either boyfriend or psychiatrist, that is. They didn't over or under react, which I think was my biggest worry. I'm being referred to a clinical psychologist as my doctor thinks my anxiety is behind a lot of the self destructive behaviours I've relied on for years. But I have no idea of the timelines for this.

So, being able to open up to people in real life has been one of the positive changes. Another positive is that since telling my boyfriend I've managed to keep a lid on the purging. He was shocked and amazed that I'd managed to get away with it for so long, and since I'm apparently so "good" at hiding it I probably could carry on even at home, but him knowing has made it easier to resist the urges.

On other positives, things at work are currently going well and my concentration seems actually quite good, despite background obsession with ED/food related type stuff. My house and garden are for once fairly tidy and organised - partly because I'm distracting myself from purging thoughts by cleaning, and also YAY SPRING IS HERE!!!

On the negative side of things the lack of purging has left my finding it very hard to actually eat anything. Because I don't feel that I have the option of purging anymore it's very very difficult to eat without complete panic. I'm not really eating at work at all and at home I'm either pretending to eat (by leaving out plates with crumbs/dirty cutlery etc) or putting very little on my plate at meal time and then sneaking half of that to the pets. I also lied to the psychiatrist about my weight/weightloss and said that I wasn't purging to try and lose weight, it was more about decreasing my anxiety/stress. Which is only partly true, but I didn't really want anyone paying too much attention to my weight.

My antidepressants have been increased back to their previous dose at my request and with the agreement of my psychiatrist. Though what I (deliberately) didn't say to my doctor is that the reason I requested upping the dose is because they have a massive appetite suppressant affect on me. Since upping the dose a couple of weeks ago I've lost 6lbs, despite not purging, and this has dropped my BMI to 17.5. Obviously this pleases me in a ED-type way and worries me in a i'm-sane-really-and-know-this-shouldn't-please-me-type way. I'm also now two pounds away from a weight that I said "I'd stop if I weighed that". And part of me doesn't want to test that theory, but I don't really feel as if I have a choice.

This, I guess, leaves me with waiting for the psycologist referral to come through and trying to eat and not purge. I hope that the steps in a positive direction outdistance the steps in a negative direction, but I think that only time will tell.

Bouncing back again

I’ve been absent from the internet for a few weeks. I hadn’t really talked about it on this blog, but I’d been surfing a lot of eating disorder websites and purposely triggering ED thoughts. I swear I’m my own worst enemy. Well, actually, the ED is kind of my worst enemy. I kept telling myself I was looking to talk to people who understood so I would feel less alone with all this. Just before I left the web my BMI dropped below a healthy level for the first time in years and I finally twigged what was happening and made myself take a step back. I’ve had a good couple of weeks now and have been sticking to a (self-devised) eating plan. It’s taken about 3 weeks but I am back to just over 18.5 again, which is where I was about a month ago, and hope I can maintain this at least. I hate how split down the middle I feel. Part of me (the part that is me, I hope) wants to be healthy. But part of my head... it really fights what I know is the right thing to do. So, I’ve pushed the scales to the furthest corner of the darkest cupboard. I’ve got a daily meal plan, though at the moment I’m mostly sticking to the same things and I‘m embarrassingly making up my calorie count and reducing my anxiety with alcohol. And I’m also still purging occasionally.

One of my last entries before I absented myself from the web was about an upcoming psychiatrist appointment. I saw my shrink and did manage to start talking about what was going on. He noticed that I’d lost weight and asked if I was ok, though he asked it more in a context of drug use. I did try and explain what was going on (with the purging and ED thoughts) but I freaked out and said I’d “just been dieting”. However it was partly that appointment that made me realize just out of control this was. So even if I didn’t actually talk to my shrink it at least had a positive effect.

Anyway... I’m happy to be back on my blog with some fairly positive news - that this is the first time since last October that I’ve gained weight, even if it is only a couple of pounds. I just need to try and keep this up and not lose it again.

So my goals are to keep to my plan to not gain or lose. And try and stop purging. And try to speak to my GP/shrink to see if I can try some meds... or anything really, to deal with how stressed out I feel.

rejection and being triggered

I had a job interview recently and found out today that I didn’t get the job. I’ve got a few other irons in the fire but it still was a bit upsetting. I really, really, wanted this post. The eating disorder/self hate thoughts have been really bad since then. Even though I can spot what’s triggered the thoughts it’s not been making it any easier. And I’ve started a slightly vicious cycle of triggering myself further. I’ve spent all my free time today reading diet sites and watching diet programmes (Channel 4OD Cook Yourself Thin – seriously… how annoying is that presenter! But I can’t tear myself away). I even started myself an account on a diet site to track weight loss and calories for fucks sake.

I couldn’t really be bothered trying to fight the thoughts so haven’t eaten much. I did end up breaking and eat ten sweets and then spent five panicked minutes trying to find out how many calories were in a single Skittle (about 4.6 apparently). Again… for fucks sake.

Not a great day overall. But I’m spending the evening trying to distract myself, playing with the dogs etc.

American π Day

It's one of my favourite days of the year. 14th March, the 14/03 or, if you're American 3/14. Or even better 3.14 - mmmmmm pi.

There's not many irrational numbers that I like. They normally bother me tailing off into the distance without an end in sight.



But I like pi because it fits in with the date the 14th March. And also because I like ratios. There's just something about dates that I can break down into ratios that I find a lot less stressful. The only thing that's better is dates that can be re-written as binary. Sometimes the very numbers in the date can have a huge affect on whether I have a good day or a bad day. Though I can balance this out by booking appointments at specific times to create further patterns.

And finally a word from Weebl and Bob (couldn't seem to link to the proper site so have linked to Youtube - but you can see the original video here)

Scared

My weights down a little bit this weekend. But I think it's partly as I got very drunk on Friday and was physically sick all day Saturday - so weight change is pretty much just dehydration I think. Apparently I will never learn what my limit is for drinking and won't stop until I have borderline alcohol poisoning. Today was a lot better, at least, I've stopped throwing up. I feel quite shaky and achey. But the weather was nice so I went for a long walk around some lakes near where I live. The dogs came to and they had a lovely time (you could see the epic dog joy in their faces - is there anything happier than dog joy?) I've also managed a bit of life admin today - paperwork etc, not fun, but at least I've been slightly productive.

I've only purged once this weekend (Friday night). Although, what with being a shaking/vomiting mess on Saturday I couldn't even look at food and my stomach rapidly rejected even the small sips of water I tried to offer it. (In my head hangover vomitting is apparently acceptable - though probably just as grim - in comparison to self-induced vomitting). Today I've eaten what amounts to a lot for me and I've managed to fight the urges.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist later this week. Partner has managed to secure a couple of days working so he won't be there - he's going to write down a few of his concerns (forgetfulness/obsessive behaviour) so I can discuss them with my doc, though it would be easier if he was there with me. In good news however he definitely feels I've been less of a space cadet since reducing my antidepressent dose and I haven't noticed a change in my mood. Part of me is glad he won't be there because it means I'll be more likely to talk to my psychiatrist about the eating problems. In my head I was already using him being there as an excuse to not bring it up. I didn't manage to talk to GP about these issues because partner was there and I think I've accepted the fact that I do need to get some support with this. I've been actively trying to fight the eating disorder by myself now since the end of January. Yes, the weight loss has slowed down and yes, I'm purging less than I was, but I'd be decieving myself if I said that I now think I can stop this without something more. I've lost 12lbs since starting the blog and I'm purging probably 5 or 6 times a week. And the thoughts haven't really gotten any easier - and as someone pointed out the other day, they're just as much part of the disorder as the actual behaviours.

A huge part of me doesn't want to ask for help... I'm scared. I'm scared about telling people in real life and them judging me and thinking less of me. I'm scared about my friends/family finding out and it changing our relationships. I'm scared about it having an impact on my job. I'm scared about asking for help and not being taken seriously (because I'm not sick enough). I'm scared about letting other people in on what I'm doing because it feels like losing control of the situation. I'm scared that if people know I won't be able to use purging/restricting and how I'm going to handle all these feelings if I don't have that to fall back on - would I just end up self-harming again instead? I'm scared about what will happen if I ask for help and I still can't get better - at the end of the day even with support it will still be up to me to recover. What if I can't do this?

Something wicked this way will come...

... and by come, I mean, ejaculate on a book.

Best sci fi pop video ever.

On being surrounded by people on diets

The last couple of days haven’t been great in terms of eating/purging. (Though I haven’t purged so far today!) I think because I have been trying so hard to eat meals and not restrict/purge I’ve not been losing as much weight (the weight loss has slowed down a lot) and this is triggering the thoughts to get worse. I try to not get on the scales... but sometimes I just can’t help it. And without explaining to partner the “why” I should really throw out (or hide) the scales they are just going to sit on the bathroom floor and stare at me. And I guess my antics at the weekend haven’t helped with mood either... though I’m starting to feel a lot better now. So maybe this is just a blip and once my serotonin replenishes I’ll rally the forces and fight the thoughts.

On another note it’s driving me mad the number at people at work who are asking me about my diet, asking for tips and congratulating me on how much weight I’ve lost. Pretty much all the ladies in the office are on on/off diets. They’re not particularly great at them... in that they starve themselves all morning and then give up and eat snacks all afternoon. “I have no idea why I’ve not lost weight!”, “because you’re still eating over the recommended daily amount of calories”. In a screwed up kind of way part of me feels almost smug – that I’ve succeeded. That I’ve lost weight and they can’t/won’t/haven’t. Not sure if smug is the right word – just the feeling that I can finally do something right, even though I really know I’m not. The office environment is sending the thoughts I’m dealing with into overdrive. When people go and get their lunch and pick like birds over their tiny salads it just makes me feel bad for actually eating lunch even though I know I do need try and maintain my calorie intake. But I can’t avoid them. I trying to put on headphones and listen to music. But it’s a bit like when I was a smoker. If I was trying to quit and around other smokers, even though it made me dislike myself, I’d still not be able to keep away from the group trips out to smoke. I only finally managed to quit when I changed my environment. But without everyone at work knowing about what’s going on I don’t see how I can do that. I can’t not go to work. Firstly I need the money and secondly I’m a complete workaholic.

Individualised Medical Care

In my former life (the life before I couldn’t cope with stress) I used to work in pharmacy research. The way pharmaceutical research and development works is a multistage process.

The initial “preclinical stage” is where small pharmaceutical research teams (e.g. at universities) do research e.g. lab and animal studies to check safety/bioavailability etc. Articles will be published and conventions will be attended and hopefully, if they’ve discovered something interesting, it will manage to enter the next stage of the process. I think an estimate is that for every 1000 compound looked at only about one will enter the next stage of the process.

The next stage is the clinical trails phase. There are several stages/phases starting with healthy volunteers and then moving onto larger trails on actual patients. This process is very expensive (millions upon millions of pounds) and is only really carried out by the Big Pharma™ companies. And then there are usually final steps (an “approval stage”) to be jumped through for approval depending on the country/region. For every five to start through clinical trails/approval stage it is estimated that only one will make it to final approval and release as a drug.

So maybe one out of five thousand potential chemicals evaluated might make it to the point of being released as a drug. Generally what happens is that the preclinical research is done by small research companies/universities/spin out companies and then Big Pharma™ will buy the rights for any promising looking research (with or without the original researchers being taken on in the continuing process as advisors).

This (after pre-clinical, but before or during clinical trails) is often the stage that research gets buried. There may be many good reasons that a potential drug would get stopped at this stage. It might be that there are other, probably better, drugs in development. There may be other valid scientific concerns. However if the Big Pharma™ company are concerned that a new drug will put a current money-making drug out of use they may buy the research and sit on it. For example there is commonly believed to be several preliminary drugs that would cure Alzheimer’s Disease, but the profits in curing a disease using a short-course of medication it may not be out-weighed by the current profits in treating Alzheimer’s for many declining years of a persons life, so as yet there is no financial incentive to continue with the development of these drugs.

Another category of drug that gets ignored in terms of development is a drug that would only target a small subset of a clinical population. What Big Pharma™ like are drugs called Blockbuster Drugs. Blockbuster Drugs are the big money spinners. Generally a drug becomes a Blockbuster Drug if it’s widely clinically used (by doctors/prescribers) as a standard drug to use for prevalent conditions that often require long term treatement – a lot of Blockbusters Drugs are currently things that treat blood pressure/blood clotting/heart problems/cholesterol i.e. is generally works for a large segment of the population. An important addendum needs adding to this definition however – prevalent conditions, but mostly this only applies to conditions prevalent in the developed world. Obesity, heart problems, pulmonary conditions are on-going problems in richer (older/fatter) nations so drugs that treat these conditions well across a wide spectrum of the population become Blockbuster Drugs. This is the same reason you’ll see psychiatric drugs occasional slip into the Blockbuster Drug lists – mental health conditions are relatively prevalent in the developed world and people tend to take these drugs on the long term, as such Big Pharma™ are happy to oblige in the provision of a whole variety of drugs. (Cynically, especially if the drugs make you put on weight and end up on more drugs </snark>)

What Big Pharma™ doesn’t like are conditions that aren’t common in rich nations, or uncommon conditions, or small genetic subsets of prevalent medical conditions that don’t respond to the standard drugs. Take cancer for example, if you have a common genetic subtype, of a common cancer, that responds well to drugs then you may have a good chance of recovery. Something like testicular cancer has a 90% plus survival rate, if it’s got the “right” genetics, even if it’s caught at a late stage. But if you have an uncommon cancer – say for example Neuroblastoma, a horrendous cancer that affects predominately very young children, where there may only be few hundred suffers worldwide - then Big Pharma™ just aren’t really that interested in helping (and survival rates are as low as 20% 5 years after diagnosis). Unless you have a fashionable illness you're kind of screwed.

Fundamentally, like a lot of things in life, it comes down to money. Big Pharma™ want to make money and they do this by focusing research and development on drugs that they think will do that – and by blocking the development of drugs that may risk the money making potential of their current catalogue. This is great for them but not great for health care as a whole. Arguably all medical conditions will have a genetic component at some level. And every person is an individual – created from their own personal genetics/environment. Drug companies want to find one drug to treat an entire clinical population, whereas the reality of what disease is/humans are, humanity would be better suited to finding a way to one drug tailored to fit that person/disease interaction.

I’ve talked about this from the point of view of drug development seeing as that’s what I know (well, knew). But maybe this logic can be extended to other aspects of health care. Surely the future of medicine should lie in determining the interaction of medical condition with a particular person and applying an individualistic approach to medical treatment. A person would have individualised/tailored drugs/therapy designed specifically for them as an individual and their particular version of their medical condition.

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NB: Emotionally I'm not in a great place right now so I’m not even sure I managed to say what I wanted to say and may continue this theme another day. Numbers I’ve quoted in this post are from memory so don’t jump at me if they’re not exactly right by current research. I left pharmaceutical research in 2007. This was a bit of a flow on consciousness after reading this post by RuftyRoo II.

There's a hole in my soul

I’m feeling absolutely horribly awful today. But it is, I’m sorry to say, one hundred perfect totally self inflicted. We spontaneously got a late train on Friday to stay with some friends. As we arrived late, Friday was fairly restrained and Saturday was a late lie in. I knew there would be a lot of drinking this weekend so I hardly ate anything on Saturday daytime (a boiled egg and a piece of toast). On Saturday we went out walking and around their city, so I avoided eating by saying I’d grabbed a sandwich earlier. We stopped in a pub for the afternoon and I started drinking then. My alcohol tolerance is through the floor – a combination of medication and losing weight. Two pints later I felt hammered and it triggered me off on a bit of an alcohol binge. Though I did drunkenly eat half a piece of pizza because of that – so at least I ate something else on Saturday.

I carried on drinking all Saturday afternoon and then we started getting ready to go out clubbing for Saturday night. We had some speed which was left over from a party at Christmas and had decided to take that while we were out. I love clubbing, I just love getting lost in the music and dancing like a crazy person. But I’m fairly socially inept and it does make feel awkward trying to make small talk with people. So I figured the speed would help and also keep me going for the night. And once I start I couldn’t really stop myself and ended up taking some random legal highs (I’m guessing) at an after club party. Finally stopped drinking and sobered up about midday on the Sunday and then had to train it home to collapse in bed. Felt hideous after drinking so much, so again didn’t really eat. And I didn’t take my medication on Saturday (was too drunk) or Sunday (forgot), so I’m blaming the “wanting-to-climb-out-of-the-window” misery and “are-you-staring-at-me” paranoia on the rebound affect of messing with psychotropics. And I’ve got incredibly fun intermittent palpitations and hot/cold sweats thrown in. Oops. Drugs, are apparently bad, kids!

I’ve always been fairly honest with my doctor(s) about the issues I have with drugs (well, actually, I’ve been honest about what I take and when I’ve taken it, but I don’t have an issue with it, more that my doctor does and I’m unwilling to change). From what I’ve heard/read about substance abuse it’s not that uncommon with mood disorders. I’m not really sure which came first. I got into drugs around the same time I started suffering from depression (I was about 14). For me I’m definitely worse with drugs when I’m in the middle of a mood episode. Usually I will take the odd bit here and there like this weekend and although I’ll feel rough afterwards it’s not really an emotional crutch and no different from drinking. Regular drug use is usually an indicator to me that things aren’t all that great and often one of the first signs of a mood change. Highs tend to be worse as I tend to lose sight of the fact it’s probably a bad idea and this can spiral if the drugs trigger worsening of mood (speed is fairly bad for this one for me). When I first started seeing my psychiatrist last summer, when I was hypomanic, he asked if he could have some assurance that I would at least try to take the medication as prescribed and I told him that I would – but that I couldn’t start taking them until Sunday (it was then Friday) as I was going from my appointment to a party and was intending to take drugs and didn’t want the antipsychotics to limit the effect of the high. (At least I’m generally honest, if not particularly insightful about why this wasn’t a great idea). When I’m down I tend to take drugs to drown out the feelings, as an ill-advised form of self-medication – last time I was depressed in November/December I was taking ketamine on a daily basis as it gave me a brief period of not being me (and pretty floaty hallucinations).

I’m not really sure why I’m writing this - distracting myself from my total incoherence to function at work right now. This weekend was the first time in ages (since New Years Eve) that I’ve taken anything. So it’s not as if it’s a massive problem. I think just maybe next time I get offered stuff at least I might cast my mind back to this post and remind myself how awful the come-downs are and maybe, just maybe, not take anything. Given the abuses of the weekend, however, I haven’t really lost any weight, so I’m obviously made of sterner stuff than I thought – even if I currently feel like a lump of pain drenched in wibbly paranoia-jelly.

A to Z

A = Age : 28
B = Bedsize : double - but I have to share with partner and usually two dogs as well.
C = Chores you dislike : gardening (and specifically having to clean up the pups mess)
D = Dogs : 2 small terrier crosses
E = Essential start to your day : cup of tea and the BBC news website
F = Favourite colour : black red or green
G = Gold or silver : silver
H = Height : 5'7''
I = Instrument you play : flute grade 8, piano grade 3, bit of recorder and domra (Russian instrument)
J = Job Title : office work
K = Kids : yes please - two ideally, but waiting for a couple more years before trying. It won't be the end of the world if we can't though
L = Live : UK
M = Mother's name : not saying
N = Nicknames : not saying
O = Overnight hospital stay : Several. As a kid I was born prematurely, the got run over as a teenager. Couple of adult stays for suicide attempts/mood disorder.
P = Pet peeves : thing not being arranged symmetrically, lights being left on, background noise
Q = Quote from a film : Papillion
The rule here is total silence. We make no pretense of rehabilitation here. We're not priests, we're processors. A meatpacker processes live animals into edible ones. We process dangerous men into harmless ones. This we accomplish by breaking you. Breaking you physically, spiritually, and here. Strange things happen to the head here. Put all hope out of your mind... ...and masturbate as little as possible. lt drains the strength.
R = Righty or Lefty : Righty
S = Siblings : Two - brother and sister, both younger
T = Time I get up : 7am on work days. Varies on weekends.
U = Underwear : black boring knickers
V = Vegetables I don't like : not many, parsnips I guess taste a bit rank. Generally love veg.
W = What makes me run late: sleeping in and being disorganised
X = X-rays : a couple
Y = Yummy things I can cook : veggie sushi, veggie lasagne, lots of other veggie dishes. Not very good with sweet stuff or Chinese food.
Z = Zoo animal : bats

Do You Realise?

For various reasons it has been a very bittersweet Friday. There are life events that mark your passage through the world, and retirement is definitely one of those. Retirement on this occasion was a happy event - at the end of a full working life and the years ahead look like a time that will be spent with loved ones and on some much anticipated favourite activities. But I will miss my colleague so much. It feels like a loss. This song by The Flaming Lips, called “Do You Realise?” came to mind.

Do you realise
That you have the most beautiful face?
Do you realise
We're floating in space?
Do you realise
That happiness makes you cry?
Do you realise
That everyone you know someday will die?

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes
Let them know you realise that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realise the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round 

Eating hasn’t been great today. I went out for lunch with colleagues to celebrate the event and there was set courses so I couldn’t avoid eating. I ate far more than I felt comfortable with and ended up purging. And I developed a headache which doesn’t seem to want to go away. Though at least it is Friday and I'm going to try really hard to stick to eating planned food for tonight and not purging.

Rubix Cube

The Rubix Cube was invented in 1974 by a Hungarian sculptor and professor of architecture called Ernő Rubik. The cube is a 3D mechanical puzzle, with six sides made up of nine square – the outer eight squares can be moved by rotating the layers of the cube. The aim is have each side made up of nine panels of the same colour.

When I was a kid I had a Rubix Cube and never managed to solve it. Out of frustration and a desire for order and neatness I broke off the outer squares (I think I did this by peeling off the coloured stickers) and reattached them in the “correct” order. I “fixed” it. Well it looked fixed. *shifty eyes*.

I grew up and put away my childhood toys (well, most of them). But then I received a Rubix Cube as a gift in the New Year. I was going to keep it in perfect and pristine. But alas it was not to be, as a ‘friend’, knowing my obsessive preference for ordered patterns, mixed up the colours while I wasn’t looking. I’ve spent the past few months staring at the cube – planning my moves and imagining techniques for getting the squares back in place. I’m very reluctant to pick it up and rotate the panels without a fair chance of success. I’ve picked it up once or twice and tentatively made a few twists and turns. Brief forays into the mechanics of the cube. A few pieces have been manipulated back to perfection. I’m scared of making the wrong move and jeopardising the fragile beginnings. I am fairly prone to this pattern of behaviour. I’m cautious and reticent to change. Partner would refer to this as stubborn and “being difficult”. From an outside perspective it can come across as laziness or procrastination. If someone suggests a change (e.g. a new method of doing something, a new way of rearranging the living room) I do need to mull it over (sometimes for months/years) in my head before either becoming comfortable with the change and acquiescing or deciding that it’s an acceptable pathway to take.

Since starting this blog I have overall decreased the amount I am purging (albeit only slightly i.e. I’m no longer doing it everyday) and I’ve definitely become a little bit less rigid in what/when/how I will eat. The weight loss has slowed down. I’m still losing weight, however, still purging most days and I’m still very much dealing with the obsessive/intrusive thoughts and feelings surrounding food and this area in general.

I don’t know if the improvements are superficial – akin to pulling off the Rubix stickers and reattaching them. Am I faking something that it ostensibly looks like the start of recovery in a mission to con(vince) myself into thinking that I’m getting better and fighting this! Am I tricking myself so I’ll ignore the fact that in some ways I’m still actively eating disordered? So the eating disorder can cling on as long as possible but “under the radar” and with out my seeking external help or intervention. Or maybe the slight improvements are a sign of a little seedling of genuine recovery. Am I just sticking true to my nature and being cautious, taking things slowly? The latter isn’t impossible as pretty much every time I’ve struggled with eating and weight loss in the past I’ve managed to figure my own way out of it. The only psychiatric treatment I’ve ever really received has been for mood disorders – and generally the times I’ve struggled with eating, I’ve also been struggling with my mood, and the eating problems have become easier as my mood has stabilised. Maybe it will just take me some time to feel comfortable with changing and slowly, but gradually, I will get there.

Either way I hate how difficult it all it and sometimes I feel like giving in and smashing the Rubix Cube to pieces - both literally and metaphorically.

Image Credit: all images from this post were found on Wikipedia and have some copyright reserved. See Wikipedia for the terms.

Ranting and probably too much information

A short update for today as I've been too busy to think. Work sucked. It seems that even when I am functioning below par (as in the last few months where I've been spending a good portion of my time too obsessed/controlled by ED-type thoughts to actually do my job) I'm still functioning at a level above 90% of the people in the office who don't seem capable of doing their actual rolls. I don't get paid enough to be (or get any kudos/thanks for) taking the lead on team projects or patching up other people mistakes or looking ahead to analyse working practices so we can "contingency plan" and "future proof" and "apply best practice" and "increase capacity". And... ARGH! Business officey bollocky bollocks!!!

Anyway... breathe in, breathe out. Right. Rant over.

Yesterday sucked in terms of eating. I ate fruit for breakfast and purged everything else I ate. Today has been better, I've eaten more or less normally, though I have still purged once. And I feel hideous and moody. And I'm not happy about my bloody grey hair. And it's probably too much info but I feel horribly horribly constipated (but refuse to take laxatives and if I start doing that I'll be "giving myself permission" to use them and knowing me will end up mis-using them) and feel very bloated. And even though I'm trying to be pleased that my weight has more of less stabilised where it is for the last 10 days (because I'm trying really hard to fight these thoughts), to be honest I'm really not. 

But I finished my current pack of the pill yesterday so it's a particular "time of the month". So heres hoping that "normal" service will resume shortly. Well... in a week maybe.

Grumpy mo-fo signing out. G'night.

Shades of Grey

We’re coming to the end of winter I hope. The end of the grey months. Overcast, dreary day with stormy grey clouds. Grey is the colour of cold, windy days. Log fires in the hearth to keep the home warm, with chimneys spewing grey smoke and ash into the sky. Grey smog, pollution.

Grey is the colour of penitence – a traditional punishment would involve being forced to walk in barefoot through a town covered in grey ashes. Some churches use grey for Ash Wednesday (the seventh Wednesday before Easter Sunday – the first day of the Season of Lent) and for the entire Lent/fasting period, again to symbolise mourning and repentance.

As well as being a colour of penance grey can also denote an area of the edge of legality, or illegality. A ‘grey area’ in the law. A loop hole.

“There are three basic types of [arms] deal. White being legal, black being illegal, and my personal favourite colour, grey.” – Lord of War

The grey market is the practice in business of buying or selling items that are priced below what has been regulated, or through channels which while legal, are unauthorised and probably unintended by the original manufacturer. The grey economy refers to paying workers “cash in hand” avoiding relevant taxes or social contributions.

A grey suit is a safe, conservative (and boring) choice for the office. Grey was also one of the colours the lower classes were allowed wear in during the Tudor Era in England – according to English Sumptuary Laws of the time (also called the Statutes of Apparel – which was meant to regulate consumption, and prevent people from living beyond their means and wasting money on expensive items) the lower classes were only allowed to wear sheepskin, wool or linen in brown, beige, yellow, orange, green, grey or blue. Although these items were allowed to be trimmed with more expensive materials.

Something being considered a grey area can also demonstrate indecision, or being caught between two different (maybe opposing) viewpoints.

Grey as a colour denotes depression and sadness. The winter is often hell for people with Seasonal Affective Disorder, who are affected by the lack of sunlight in the winter months. And apparently the world does literally become more grey when one is depressed. 

The Mourning Dove (Zenaida macroura) is either grey or light brown in colour. Grey is the colour of a corpse and ghosts are traditionally transparent and grey in colour – a common apparition (and incidently the Ravenclaw ghost from the Happy Potter Series) is that of a grey lady.

Black items absorb all wavelengths of light, while white objects reflect all wavelengths equally. When an object absorbs most of the visible light spectrum, but reflects light of all wavelength roughly equally you see an object as grey. Effectively the colour grey is the reflection of white light at a lower intensity. If you shine a dim white light at a wall it will appear grey. Grey is the colour of old age. As we age our hair greys (this bit in particularly relevant, *stamps feet*, if you want to know why, keep reading). The intensity of the white light fades in the later years, greyer and dimmer, towards the end of life.

But, in Christianity, grey is also the colour often associated with the resurrection of the dead and Jesus if often depicted wearing a great cloak.

On another positive note, because grey is considered an intermediate colour - consisting of both black and white – grey can represent compromise, mediation, neutrality, balance and justice.

Grey is a colour of intelligence. With age comes wisdom and knowledge. The brain is often referred to as the “old grey matter”.

The colour grey is often associated with power and great institutions. The Grey Lady is another name for The New York Times or the B-52 Stratofortresses. The Grey Ghosts were a nickname for a military unit in WWII and Vietnam.

So there you have it - multiple different shades of grey.

“But why,” I hear you ask, “is North of Normal going on and on and on about the colour grey???” Well, I was styling my hair this morning and I haven’t dyed my roots for quite a while (I’ve been dying my hair since I was about 14). I found numerous grey hairs – as you can tell by the topic of today’s post I’m not obsessed with this AT ALL, and I’m perfectly happy to be going grey at not even 30 </sarcasm>. And they weren’t there in December as I had my hair restyled then and hadn’t dyed it for a while. Oh well, at least I’m obsessing about something other than eating today. Although I did find out during my "grey hair" Google marathon that malnutrition can cause premature greying so I went out on my lunch break and stocked up multivitamins (and hair dye) as I’m completely failing at stopping eating disordered behaviour so I’ll try and counteract malnutrition in other ways as well. (That being said I haven’t lost any more weight for about a week and even though I’m still purging a lot I’m probably eating more on the whole).

winter is just another step in the cycle of life

Last night and today have been pretty bad eating disorder-wise. I purged again last night and again today after lunch. Though I did eat and keep down a little breakfast today which is unusual for me. I guess I’ll keep trying to get back the normality I had at the weekend when for a couple of days the eating disorder didn’t control me.

On a positive note it did really feel like the first day of spring today. The weather was warm and my mood felt lighter. I walked around the city centre today, just enjoyed the sunshine, the fountains and the lights on the large Ferris wheel they’ve erected in the main square. (How very un-goth of me). Right now I’m staring out of the window of my birds-nest of an office. The tower block above the nearby shopping centre is a pale pink colour and right now the sunset is reflecting an array of red, orange and violet from its multitude of windows. I’m the only one left in the office (and about to leave myself) but right now the mood is very peaceful.

Hopefully I can take this mood home with me. I think I’ll try listening to the Amélie soundtrack on the commute.

GP visit

I saw my GP today (first thing this morning and then had to rush to work afterwards – oh joy) and my partner did go with me. Because partner was there I didn’t directly manage to say I was struggling with eating disorder problems again. I explained that my mood had been fine, but I was having some issues with obsessive/intrusive thoughts and that my partner had some worries about my current medication and side effects he was noticing that I hadn’t really noticed myself. Partner then explained some of the things that worried him with aspergers traits that he recognised from a colleague who had been diagnosed with aspergers. And he explained from his point of view how some of these traits (especially irritability/rituals) had been so much worse since taking this new medication.

I actually felt really shocked when he was talking as I didn’t realise how bizarrely I act sometimes from an outside point of view. He gave examples of how controlled I am by ritualistic behaviour and how this affected him and he found it hard to live with. He said that in recent months he’d felt sometimes I was so erratic/confused/forgetful it was like living with someone who had some form of dementia! That was really hard to hear and at first I felt like saying he was exaggerating or that it wasn’t true. But I guess it does tie in with the things I’ve been screwing up at work and how much I’m struggling with my work load (didn’t tell GP or partner this as hadn’t told partner how hard I was finding work at the moment and didn’t really want to go into it then and there). In the end GP made a couple of small recommendations and medication changes but really wanted me to see my psychiatrist to discuss any other medication changes/stopping any particular medication completely. I’m seeing psychiatrist in about 2 or 3 weeks.

I talked about it with partner on the way to the bus-stop so I could go to work and we discussed how actually talking to psychiatrist and potentially getting and ASD type diagnosis would or wouldn’t change things. He basically said he’d find it less frustrating if he knew there was a reason I sometimes acted the way I did. And he really thought that a different medication is really important as he says the erratic behaviour is something that isn’t me and is just because of the medication. I’ve just got to watch my mood now to make sure changes in medication don’t precipitate mood switching and go back to my GP if there is an issue.

Anyway, so in summary, I didn’t talk to GP about eating issues, but I do think that I made some big steps in letting partner be involved in medical care and how understanding/helpful he was has made me feel more confident about the potential for talking to him about eating problems. And hopefully if the medication was ramping up my intrusive/obsessive thoughts a lessening of them might actually help the eating issues as well. (Plus the medication does seem to have a big appetite suppression effect on me, so taking less of it might make it harder to engage in restrictive type behaviours).

Eating, however, hasn’t been too bad recently. I’ve not posted for a few days because I went away for a short break and didn’t have much internet access. While I was away I ate more or less normally and didn’t purge. And I actually gained a little bit of weight! Yesterday was a bit of a relapse into back into disordered ways (purged twice) and I’ve lost that little bit of weight again this morning. I’m currently on the border between normal/underweight, so I’ll try and maintain current weight and try and not weigh myself as often (I think the relapse yesterday was because of seeing that I’d gained) and try really really hard to talk to partner about what’s going on and/or be able to tell psychiatrist when I next see him. Telling psychiatrist might be easier as he often asks about content of intrusive/obsessive thoughts and that might give me a way to broach the subject. If I can’t tell partner (or psychiatrist, with partner present) then I’ll make a GP appointment (without partner) if I don’t manage to maintain my current weight/get purging under control.

Ok... enough waffling for the day... I guess I had a lot on my mind with not posting for a few days.

(Wrong) Diagnosis

I’m a very literal person. If someone says “ok, please explain this in minute detail” I often won’t realise that they’re being sarcastic and will start to explain <insert example> to them. I also often misinterpret people’s intentions/emotions. I’ll upset people as I don’t realise a topic is annoying them or will do something that I’ve understood they wanted – when they really wanted something completely different/opposite. I also fluctuate between being able to completely get absorbed in a task and block out the world around me completely, to being incredibly over-stimulated by small noises/distractions that other people wouldn’t notice. It’s a bit of a “running joke” in the office that I’m slightly on the Autistic Spectrum – one of my colleagues even pipes up and does social niceties on my behalf now as half the time I don’t naturally realise when I’m meant to acknowledge people (I’ve learned from experience when you’re meant to say certain things, but will often forget) so they jokingly do it for me – and I know they do like me and mean it in a fairly affectionate/friendly office banter kind of way. But recently a few people have said things that make me wonder if there’s anything in it. Do I have an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD)?

When partner and I row I get upset because I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong or how I could have done things differently, or don’t think I can do things differently so know we'll row again. He thinks that ASD is a possibility – based on his past experiences with some colleagues who had an ASD diagnosis. But my argument to that has always been that he’s fitting my behaviours onto a structure that he’s used to/knows/is familiar with – and if he’d worked with people who had other issues (like OCD) he’d probably spot that in me instead!  Either way he asked me to look into it (online) and said he’d go with me to see my doctor to ask about it if I agree it fits. And even if I disagree he would happily go with me to see my doctor and explain how I am from his point of view in case the doctor has any suggestions that would help.

So I have looked into it and there are some things that do fit. Though to be honest I’m not really a fan of looking up information online to diagnose yourself as it’s so easy to see everything in yourself if you over-think it enough/look hard enough. And even though I do probably meet some of the diagnostic criteria for ASD there’s also so much overlap with other disorders.  When I Google symptoms like “rituals”, “intrusive thoughts”, “obsessions”, “difficulty making small talk”, “noise sensitivity”, “overanalysing situations”, “misinterpreting people”, “irritability”, “taking people literally”... etc. Yes it does flag up pages about Autistic Spectrum Disorder. But it also brings up pages about Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, various Personality Disorders, Eating Disorders, and Sensory Integration Disorder and so on and so on and so on. For example it could be that I have a lot of OCD traits and coupled with the Eating Disorder/malnutrition  act a bit odd/out of kilter emotionally and I’m a bit socially inept, but no ASD. Or I guess just as equally I could have ASD and the stress it’s put me under coping with it all these years has caused all my other mental health issues.

One thing I did find fairly interesting was a few sites that flagged up mental health problems experienced by adults that had been born prematurely. I was born 6 weeks early (weighing in at a tiny 4lbs) and had to spend a short time in hospital as a newborn while my organs "finished developing" and the jaundice went away. The only issues it caused growing up was I was ridiculously small and skinny as a child (often the shortest person in my school year) and I didn’t really catch up growth wise until my teens (I’m now 5’7’’ which I think is around, or just above average). I’d never really thought of my prematurity being anything that could have influenced on-going health. Not that it matters why I’m like this... I’m more interested in how to not be like it, and I’ve got other relatives who are just as loopy as me and not born prematurely, so it could just as easily be genetic. Though fuck it... maybe the eating disorder isn’t really an eating disorder at all. Maybe it’s just a mix of OCD and sensory integration because I never cope with textures/flavours as a kid. (Has colic as a baby and then wouldn’t eat as a toddler and when I would eat as a kid I WOULDN’T eat sweet things, so I've always had food issues).

The only thing I’ve ever been diagnosed with (as in been told by a doctor “you have this”) in terms of my mental health is Bipolar Affective Disorder. And to be honest I’m not sure I really agree with that as the times when I’ve been allegedly high I find it hard to accept they were abnormal and I only really went on medication as couldn’t be bothered arguing with people. (I’m a bit of a seesaw about this as sometimes I will agree with this diagnosis and sometimes I don’t). I’ve probably also got comments in my notes about Eating Disorders (NOS?) and Borderline Personality Disorder – the latter, especially from around the time of my separation from the soon-to-be-ex-husband, as I’d started self-harming again and taken a small OD and the psychiatric nurse I saw applied the following formula: relationship instability + self-harm + ”pseudo”-suicidal gestures MUST = BPD + a referral to the local personality disorder network/treatment team. But that’s another topic/rant all together.

Anyway – I’m off on a tangent here...

There are things that don’t fit with ASD. I don’t think I have any issues with eye contact and I think I can talk about/express my emotions fairly well. I also think I’m fairly empathetic/caring and I do like other people, and I don’t really avoid social activity even though I’m a bit hopeless at it sometimes. I think I will take partner up on the offer of accompanying me to next doctor’s appointment – if only because I think it would be useful for psychiatrist to actually meet partner and get information on me from someone other than me. And I do usually push partner away when it comes to mental health problems, when really he could be such a useful support. Though I won’t take him to my GP appointment next week – I might wait until next psychiatrist appointment in March. Partly because I think my GP will just tell me to bring it up with the psychiatrist anyway. And partly because I was hoping to mention eating problems/weight-loss to GP and don’t think I’m ready to admit to partner what I’ve been doing. (I think I’ll feel more able to broach it once I’ve spoken to someone else about it).

Sorry this is so long; I guess I just needed to get all these thoughts off my chest. If you’ve read all this you deserve a medal!!!

Negative/Positive

My partner said I should try and focus on the positives more as apparently I can be a very negative person. I initially started writing this post as very short statements of negative ARGHness. So I’ve gone through it again and tried to add positive comments after each negative statement.

Another row with partner – I wish I could tell him why I’m so irritable and why I can’t seem to focus on anything.

But apart from the last couple of days we really do have a very strong relationship.

And I’ve been very busy at work again only this time it feels like I’m drowning rather than using the work as a distraction.

I’ve been so busy today because I have had so many meetings – I’ve been in these meetings because people invite me as they value my opinion. Tomorrow I only have one meeting and will have time to focus on other tasks. And tomorrow is Friday and the start of the weekend!

I purged again last night. I feel like I’m failing at recovery!

But the thoughts have been fairly quiet since then and I’ve had a “normal” day. I’ve managed a “normal” lunch – avoiding all the little rituals and obsessions usually accompanying it. And I even had a snack in the afternoon. And there’s been no real change in relation to weight. Not really down, and not up.

Back at work and relationship woe

I’m feeling a lot better, plague-wise, today and have dragged myself back to work. Although a tornado of chaos seems to have taken advantage of my brief absence. Or maybe the fact that my workload was already teetering on the brink of disaster meant that one day away was the straw which broke the camels back. Panic does concentrate the mind wonderfully – so I’ve had an ok day in terms of negative thoughts and got a lot done in da office!

I’m hoping the rest of the evening carries on in the same vein. (I know I’ve got a fair few things to do at home as well… busy busy busy).

Only negative point was a bit of a row with The Partner. I’ve been very irritable lately (which I think is a combination of lack of food/general moodiness or depression) and it resulted in shouting/meanness/things-best-unsaid-being-said. *Oops*. Anyway he wanted to know “what on earth was so wrong at the moment”. I tried to tell him. I really did. I find it so hard to talk to him about mental health issues. He knew about the relapse with depression (although he thinks taking antidepressants is a stupid idea). He doesn’t know that burning my arm just before Christmas was deliberate. And he doesn’t know that I’ve been purging/restricting since last November (he thinks that it’s a “normal diet”). It was on the tip of my tongue. But I was so scared it would make the argument worse. I just know that he won’t know how to feel if I tell him and he’ll probably deal with the confusion by shouting/feeling angry – I don’t think the anger will be necessarily directed at me… but shouting/anger is something I can’t deal with. We’ve both calmed down now and forgiven/mostly forgotten. I will try to tell him at some point – though, the middle of an argument isn’t the right time. Maybe telling my GP will make it easier to talk to other people about this.

Challenging the Status Quo

My cold has escalated to plague from hell and I’ve taken the day off work to recuperate (read: rock backwards and forwards in bed). I’ve been reading a book by John Langdon called Wordplay – The Philosophy, Art and Science of Ambigrams. The idea of an ambigram is to write a word and mutate the letters, so while still readable, the have some degree of symmetry (rotational/mirror) and so that the final ambigram is also a visual representation of the word. You can see some of the examples from his book on his website – I really like Art&Science/Philosophy and Waterfall.

The book has also spoken a lot to me about balance/control/power – it talks a lot about YingYang and the ideas behind Taoism. One of the parts I read today that deeply affected me was the section entitled “Choice/Decide”. Every day people say “I have to go to work”, “I’m obliged to pay my gas bill”, “I need to walk the dog” or “I must write a blog entry”. Fundamentally you feel like you have to do these things, and there may be negative outcomes if you don’t, but realistically you don’t HAVE to do them – you decide that you are going to do them, but you could equally decide “fuck it, I’m not going to, I’ll deal with consequences as they arise”. The author advocates trying to alter your speech/thoughts to represent the true power/control you possess over everyday situations, to realise that all these “have to” moments are actually unconscious choices and to rephrase them: “I choose to go to work”, “I decide to pay my gas bill”, “I wish to walk the dog” and “I want to write a blog entry”.

Sometimes I feel I don’t have any control over my actions. For example I haven’t been able to eat much today, but I still purged once. I felt like I had to – like I didn’t have a choice. But I did. I do have a choice on whether I act on these urges. And I think it’s really important that I never forget that.

This is a scan from the above mentioned book - interlocking mirror image ambigrams of the words Choice and Decide (I find the lattice pattern very soothing):

PS - thank you for recent comments, because I'm ill at home I don't have stamina to go round many blogs today, but normal operating will resume soon (I hope).

A rambling entry about my weekend, weightloss and work

Well the busy weekend was good and I didn’t purge on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. And On Saturday and Sunday I ate more or less normally. This morning I had lost about a pound - which was shocking given food/alcohol intake over the weekend. I guess I must have either eaten less than I thought or done more than I’d thought – or maybe it just takes more than a couple of days normal eating to reverse the calorie restriction of recent months. But even so this weekend is fairly positive in terms of fighting back against the eating disorder.

Today has been mostly rubbish in that I’ve come down with a horrible cold. I was trying really hard to keep up the good work of the weekend and use the theory that you should “feed a cold” so I ate a lot for lunch. But that did tip me over the edge and I ended up purging.

Immediately after I came back from the bathroom (after purging) I had a customer/client turn up unexpectedly to see me. A lot of my role is managing customers/client’s records, but a significant part of my role is pastoral. I often end up being the initial point of contact when something is affecting a customer/client’s ability to work with the organisation, and I have to listen to the problems, put practical work related assistance in place where appropriate and direct customers/client’s to appropriate services/support within our organisation and related organisations. This particular person is really struggling with depression and I’ve been strongly suggesting to them that they should make an appointment with their GP (along with some other stuff that my organisation can help with).* I felt so hypocritical sitting there, feeling dizzy, with my throat throbbing and positive that my breath probably reeked of sick, trying to reassure them that it would be a sensible thing to do when I’m pretty much terrified of seeing my GP about the issues I’m having. It’s a pity that I won’t listen to my own advice!

*This is difficult to express with explaining exactly what my job is/where I work, and client/customer isn’t really the best terminology, but since this is an anonymous blog it’ll just have to be vague! Please be assured that by the nature of my vagueness you’re not getting all the details and all appropriate advice has been given/action been taken. And also I’ve changed a couple of key details, without changing the gist of the story, to protect my/client/customer anonymity and also on the extremely unlikely off-chance that my client/customer would read this blog and think “hey I went to see X today unexpectedly to talk about my problems and they had just come back from the loo and they did look a bit ill during the meeting, maybe this is their blog”, then no, sorry, I’ve changed details so that if you think you recognise yourself then it’s definitely not you! This and all examples I use from the workplace will always be amalgamations of real events that illustrate the point while still leaving me/others unidentifiable. Phew! Hope that incoherent babble made sense!!!

The one where she's a bit mental in the workplace...

I’m struggling at work a bit at the moment. I've almost fainted a couple of times during long presentations/getting up from my desk. And now I've missed a really important meeting yesterday. I spent the entire afternoon obsessing about weight/food/etc. and then suddenly looked at the clock at it was 5.45. My meeting was at 3!!! I didn’t even realise. Luckily I’m usually a model employee so apologies were accepted and the meeting rearranged. I even managed to light heartedly joke about how I’d spent half the day convinced it was Tuesday and that’s why I’d forgotten. Sympathetic replies “no worries, everyone does stuff like that occasionally!” – thank God for working in the public sector! But I’m so angry with myself. I’m treading water at work at the moment trying to stay on top of everything that’s coming in and covering for a couple of staff absences. While trying very hard not to let my clients/customers and colleagues see the cracks because I'm only getting half the stuff done because the thoughts are so intrusive and distracting.

I know from previous experience I can usually get away with coasting for a little while. Last summer when I was hypomanic, after a brief period of ultra-efficiency where I felt great/got loads done, it escalated to the point of zero concentration, extreme anxiety/irritability and embarrassing impulsive behaviour (*blushes* even to think about that to be honest). That lasted for about 3 weeks before I was finally convinced (by the one colleague that knows about these issues) that I should maybe go to my GP. Which was when I started back on medication. And once I was more in control I quickly caught up with the backlog – thankfully in time for October which is a key point in my organisations year. But I hope I get my head above the water soon before I end up irretrievably behind. My next key point in the year will be starting in April and running through to August. Plus I’ve got potential exciting job opportunity that I need to apply for and I will hate myself if my mental health problems get in the way of yet another thing. (Even though I shouldn’t blame myself, I really really do!)

I did purge again last night as well. Well two days this week is still better than none. And I met a friend for lunch today and ate something I would never normally eat and didn’t even contemplate purging. And I’ve got a really busy weekend planned so hopefully plenty of distraction from the thoughts!