My weight has been stable so far this week. I've done ok with eating except for today when I've failed miserably at not purging. Boyfriend is out with friends this evening and it's kind of left me to my own devices. I'd agreed a meal that I would eat with him. It just needed heating up. But I think because it didn't feel that there was the accountability, someone who'd notice if I went straight to the bathroom, I purged almost immediately afterwards. So I tried to make something else but purged that. And then I gave up. I think in this case not eating is less destructive than repetitive purging.
Maybe when boyfriend gets back I'll try and eat something with him. But I don't think I'll tell him about the purging. I'll be honest and that's partly as he'll shout/be disappointed/be angry and then I'll feel bad. But it's also partly because I don't want him to feel that I can't be trusted to eat by myself. And connected with that I don't want him to feel a responsibility for looking after me and making sure I eat and don't purge.
I'm nearly 30 for f**ks sake. I don't want to have to rely on other people. I hate the fact that I need tablets to keep my mood stable. I hate the fact that I have to see a psychiatrist and that I'm waiting to see a psychologist. I hate the fact that apparently I can't rely on me.
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