I've worked really hard on eating these last few days, though I did purge once yesterday. I've been adding a few pieces of chocolate to my diet, which was very difficult, but obviously adds to the total number of calories I'm consuming. If my calculations are correct I've actually been getting the right amount of calories since my last post. If the scales were right this morning, however, I've lost another pound. Obviously it could just be down to dehydration, but I guess the fact that I'm not gaining any weight at all, and potentially still losing a bit, means that despite all my efforts I'm still not eating enough.
It's ridiculous as I feel like I'm constantly eating at the moment and my abdomen feels swollen, huge and disgusting. How on earth can this not be enough food? How on earth am I meant to eat any more? How on earth can I not have put on weight when I look so huge. I feel in a constant state of panic/anxiety. This morning after eating breakfast I sat down to read the news and the world felt like it was spinning and I felt so sick. The more I try and fight the thoughts and eat and not purge the worse it gets. I guess there's no option but to keep trying. Though giving up and going back to secretly purging regularly seems so attractive right now.
I remember just how hard it is to increase what you're eating, and I really feel for you. If it helps, the standard recommendations for women don't really help people with eating disorders. I needed around 2500-3000kcals a day to gain a pound a week, and many of my friends needed much more than that. I maintain on anywhere inbetween 2000-3000 now, and feel shaky and ill if I don't get to 2000. Metabolisms are bloody weird things, and often speed up like hell once you start eating more. Losing weight in the first week of increasing isn't uncommon at all. The feeling so full bit won't last forever - it's horribly uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier. I know this is easier said than done but try to keep breathing and telling yourself that this stage won't last forever - anxiety is just going to make you feel sicker and fuller. Eating when I'm anxious is a proper pain in the butt!
ReplyDeleteI hope tomorrow is less stressful x