The last couple of days haven’t been great in terms of eating/purging. (Though I haven’t purged so far today!) I think because I have been trying so hard to eat meals and not restrict/purge I’ve not been losing as much weight (the weight loss has slowed down a lot) and this is triggering the thoughts to get worse. I try to not get on the scales... but sometimes I just can’t help it. And without explaining to partner the “why” I should really throw out (or hide) the scales they are just going to sit on the bathroom floor and stare at me. And I guess my antics at the weekend haven’t helped with mood either... though I’m starting to feel a lot better now. So maybe this is just a blip and once my serotonin replenishes I’ll rally the forces and fight the thoughts.
On another note it’s driving me mad the number at people at work who are asking me about my diet, asking for tips and congratulating me on how much weight I’ve lost. Pretty much all the ladies in the office are on on/off diets. They’re not particularly great at them... in that they starve themselves all morning and then give up and eat snacks all afternoon. “I have no idea why I’ve not lost weight!”, “because you’re still eating over the recommended daily amount of calories”. In a screwed up kind of way part of me feels almost smug – that I’ve succeeded. That I’ve lost weight and they can’t/won’t/haven’t. Not sure if smug is the right word – just the feeling that I can finally do something right, even though I really know I’m not. The office environment is sending the thoughts I’m dealing with into overdrive. When people go and get their lunch and pick like birds over their tiny salads it just makes me feel bad for actually eating lunch even though I know I do need try and maintain my calorie intake. But I can’t avoid them. I trying to put on headphones and listen to music. But it’s a bit like when I was a smoker. If I was trying to quit and around other smokers, even though it made me dislike myself, I’d still not be able to keep away from the group trips out to smoke. I only finally managed to quit when I changed my environment. But without everyone at work knowing about what’s going on I don’t see how I can do that. I can’t not go to work. Firstly I need the money and secondly I’m a complete workaholic.
I know it's easy to assume that not restricting/purging makes the thoughts worse, but it's also easy to lose sight of the fact that the thoughts themselves are part of the eating disorder - restricting and purging makes them worse in the long term, even if they provide relief in the moment. It's a bit like alcoholism, in that having a drink will relieve an alcoholic's cravings for a few minutes, but ultimately contributes to the illness and perpetuates the cravings. I know how tricky it is trying to break the cycle of behaviours, it's like your brain and body are totally against you. I'm not surprised that you're finding your office environment difficult. I wish I had some good advice - I've dealt with that situation before by randomly throwing my eating disorder into the discussion, which tends to shut people up, but I understand that's impossible for you at the moment! Listening to music sounds like a good idea, or maybe going for a walk at lunchtime?
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