My weights down a little bit this weekend. But I think it's partly as I got very drunk on Friday and was physically sick all day Saturday - so weight change is pretty much just dehydration I think. Apparently I will never learn what my limit is for drinking and won't stop until I have borderline alcohol poisoning. Today was a lot better, at least, I've stopped throwing up. I feel quite shaky and achey. But the weather was nice so I went for a long walk around some lakes near where I live. The dogs came to and they had a lovely time (you could see the epic dog joy in their faces - is there anything happier than dog joy?) I've also managed a bit of life admin today - paperwork etc, not fun, but at least I've been slightly productive.
I've only purged once this weekend (Friday night). Although, what with being a shaking/vomiting mess on Saturday I couldn't even look at food and my stomach rapidly rejected even the small sips of water I tried to offer it. (In my head hangover vomitting is apparently acceptable - though probably just as grim - in comparison to self-induced vomitting). Today I've eaten what amounts to a lot for me and I've managed to fight the urges.
I'm seeing my psychiatrist later this week. Partner has managed to secure a couple of days working so he won't be there - he's going to write down a few of his concerns (forgetfulness/obsessive behaviour) so I can discuss them with my doc, though it would be easier if he was there with me. In good news however he definitely feels I've been less of a space cadet since reducing my antidepressent dose and I haven't noticed a change in my mood. Part of me is glad he won't be there because it means I'll be more likely to talk to my psychiatrist about the eating problems. In my head I was already using him being there as an excuse to not bring it up. I didn't manage to talk to GP about these issues because partner was there and I think I've accepted the fact that I do need to get some support with this. I've been actively trying to fight the eating disorder by myself now since the end of January. Yes, the weight loss has slowed down and yes, I'm purging less than I was, but I'd be decieving myself if I said that I now think I can stop this without something more. I've lost 12lbs since starting the blog and I'm purging probably 5 or 6 times a week. And the thoughts haven't really gotten any easier - and as someone pointed out the other day, they're just as much part of the disorder as the actual behaviours.
A huge part of me doesn't want to ask for help... I'm scared. I'm scared about telling people in real life and them judging me and thinking less of me. I'm scared about my friends/family finding out and it changing our relationships. I'm scared about it having an impact on my job. I'm scared about asking for help and not being taken seriously (because I'm not sick enough). I'm scared about letting other people in on what I'm doing because it feels like losing control of the situation. I'm scared that if people know I won't be able to use purging/restricting and how I'm going to handle all these feelings if I don't have that to fall back on - would I just end up self-harming again instead? I'm scared about what will happen if I ask for help and I still can't get better - at the end of the day even with support it will still be up to me to recover. What if I can't do this?
I was scared of a lot of those things too - I would say all of those things but I didn't have a job, so that one wasn't a problem! I did have to learn alternate coping mechanisms but I also managed to avoid slipping back into self harming - and I used to self harm severely and obsessively, so that was a huge relief for me. As for people thinking less of me it depended on the person. Some people I just didn't tell about my ED, but others were surprisingly supportive of me and proud that I was working so hard to change. However scary it all is the fact is you won't know the answers to any of those questions until you start getting help and recovering - they are not answers that can be reasoned through in your head, they have to be discovered through action.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, over the last ten years I've known so many people with eating disorders, and most of them had the same worries about recovery - including the typical eating disorder symptom of being ambivalent about recovery in the first place. That hasn't stopped a lot of them from eventually recovering, even those who were extremely ill. So I believe you can do it :)
I hope it goes well with your psychiatrist!