Rubix Cube

The Rubix Cube was invented in 1974 by a Hungarian sculptor and professor of architecture called Ernő Rubik. The cube is a 3D mechanical puzzle, with six sides made up of nine square – the outer eight squares can be moved by rotating the layers of the cube. The aim is have each side made up of nine panels of the same colour.

When I was a kid I had a Rubix Cube and never managed to solve it. Out of frustration and a desire for order and neatness I broke off the outer squares (I think I did this by peeling off the coloured stickers) and reattached them in the “correct” order. I “fixed” it. Well it looked fixed. *shifty eyes*.

I grew up and put away my childhood toys (well, most of them). But then I received a Rubix Cube as a gift in the New Year. I was going to keep it in perfect and pristine. But alas it was not to be, as a ‘friend’, knowing my obsessive preference for ordered patterns, mixed up the colours while I wasn’t looking. I’ve spent the past few months staring at the cube – planning my moves and imagining techniques for getting the squares back in place. I’m very reluctant to pick it up and rotate the panels without a fair chance of success. I’ve picked it up once or twice and tentatively made a few twists and turns. Brief forays into the mechanics of the cube. A few pieces have been manipulated back to perfection. I’m scared of making the wrong move and jeopardising the fragile beginnings. I am fairly prone to this pattern of behaviour. I’m cautious and reticent to change. Partner would refer to this as stubborn and “being difficult”. From an outside perspective it can come across as laziness or procrastination. If someone suggests a change (e.g. a new method of doing something, a new way of rearranging the living room) I do need to mull it over (sometimes for months/years) in my head before either becoming comfortable with the change and acquiescing or deciding that it’s an acceptable pathway to take.

Since starting this blog I have overall decreased the amount I am purging (albeit only slightly i.e. I’m no longer doing it everyday) and I’ve definitely become a little bit less rigid in what/when/how I will eat. The weight loss has slowed down. I’m still losing weight, however, still purging most days and I’m still very much dealing with the obsessive/intrusive thoughts and feelings surrounding food and this area in general.

I don’t know if the improvements are superficial – akin to pulling off the Rubix stickers and reattaching them. Am I faking something that it ostensibly looks like the start of recovery in a mission to con(vince) myself into thinking that I’m getting better and fighting this! Am I tricking myself so I’ll ignore the fact that in some ways I’m still actively eating disordered? So the eating disorder can cling on as long as possible but “under the radar” and with out my seeking external help or intervention. Or maybe the slight improvements are a sign of a little seedling of genuine recovery. Am I just sticking true to my nature and being cautious, taking things slowly? The latter isn’t impossible as pretty much every time I’ve struggled with eating and weight loss in the past I’ve managed to figure my own way out of it. The only psychiatric treatment I’ve ever really received has been for mood disorders – and generally the times I’ve struggled with eating, I’ve also been struggling with my mood, and the eating problems have become easier as my mood has stabilised. Maybe it will just take me some time to feel comfortable with changing and slowly, but gradually, I will get there.

Either way I hate how difficult it all it and sometimes I feel like giving in and smashing the Rubix Cube to pieces - both literally and metaphorically.

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