I’m struggling at work a bit at the moment. I've almost fainted a couple of times during long presentations/getting up from my desk. And now I've missed a really important meeting yesterday. I spent the entire afternoon obsessing about weight/food/etc. and then suddenly looked at the clock at it was 5.45. My meeting was at 3!!! I didn’t even realise. Luckily I’m usually a model employee so apologies were accepted and the meeting rearranged. I even managed to light heartedly joke about how I’d spent half the day convinced it was Tuesday and that’s why I’d forgotten. Sympathetic replies “no worries, everyone does stuff like that occasionally!” – thank God for working in the public sector! But I’m so angry with myself. I’m treading water at work at the moment trying to stay on top of everything that’s coming in and covering for a couple of staff absences. While trying very hard not to let my clients/customers and colleagues see the cracks because I'm only getting half the stuff done because the thoughts are so intrusive and distracting.
I know from previous experience I can usually get away with coasting for a little while. Last summer when I was hypomanic, after a brief period of ultra-efficiency where I felt great/got loads done, it escalated to the point of zero concentration, extreme anxiety/irritability and embarrassing impulsive behaviour (*blushes* even to think about that to be honest). That lasted for about 3 weeks before I was finally convinced (by the one colleague that knows about these issues) that I should maybe go to my GP. Which was when I started back on medication. And once I was more in control I quickly caught up with the backlog – thankfully in time for October which is a key point in my organisations year. But I hope I get my head above the water soon before I end up irretrievably behind. My next key point in the year will be starting in April and running through to August. Plus I’ve got potential exciting job opportunity that I need to apply for and I will hate myself if my mental health problems get in the way of yet another thing. (Even though I shouldn’t blame myself, I really really do!)
I did purge again last night as well. Well two days this week is still better than none. And I met a friend for lunch today and ate something I would never normally eat and didn’t even contemplate purging. And I’ve got a really busy weekend planned so hopefully plenty of distraction from the thoughts!
I've just found your blog and I relate to a lot of it. It's good to keep busy - sometimes it's the only way to keep your head above water. I hope you had a good weekend!
ReplyDelete"I spent the entire afternoon obsessing about weight/food/etc. and then suddenly looked at the clock at it was 5.45. My meeting was at 3!!!"
ReplyDeleteThis used to happen to me all the time at university. It's frightening how your sense of time gets distorted and whole hours pass in an obsessive blur, with each second indistinguishable from the next. When I look back at my uni years I can't remember much apart from the thoughts of food and weight, because they were all I had. That's the saddest thing. Perhaps it's time to go to the doctor about the eating problems as well, so that you can start to reclaim your mind and your world. [Hug]
@ Poppy - thanks for your reply... and I love the name Poppy (in fact, someone very dear to me is called Poppy).
ReplyDelete@ eatingthesewords - I'm going to try and talk to my GP next week. Very nervous about it. Though since I've made a bit of head way by myself I'm hoping it'll be easier to now talk about what's been going on.