Colleague absence at work today has meant travelling at 100 miles an hour. I’ve been doing two jobs at once and trying to do both fantastically. Well, because there are no other options in my book, and why ruin my awesome reputation as superwomen!!! It has been good as it has kept the eating disorder thoughts very much at bay – I’ve been too busy to stop and think. And I’m also been too busy to spend any time at all looking at diet websites or watching diet programmes online. But it is bad as it’s meant I’ve also been too busy to really eat. When I did eat something it wasn’t at my normal time which would normally be very upsetting – though all other variables were the same and I was so hyped up on caffeine that I managed to stay on top of desire to purge. A lot of nervous energy though. I have a habit when I’m in restless of chewing the inside of my cheeks. I always have mouth ulcers – but today it’s absolutely in ribbons and really hurts. Ow!
I’m finally trying to wind down at the end of the day (switched off caffeine, onto peppermint) and getting ready to go home. But I won’t really get to stop when I get there. I’m meeting a friend to go out for dinner and I really don’t want to purge – but I’m already feeling like I’ll need to. I’m trying to bargain with my thoughts and if I go for a run I think I might be ok to resist the urges. I definitely rather run than purge – even though, obviously with trying to combat the thoughts, I should try and do neither. But I don’t know if my thoughts will trick me into running and then purging anyway. I’ve got so much energy today I think I’ll be running for miles so surely that will appease it.
Here’s hoping that my thoughts/brain has calmed down by later tonight or I will not be needing to sleep which is never good sign for overall mental health. *sigh*
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