I did end up both running and purging last night. I was quite angry with myself because I put so much effort into running and kept going so long that I felt dizzy. I really thought that I’d managed to convince my thoughts that I’d done enough. “Please, accept this and leave me alone for a while”. But no, they just completely took over my head and I couldn’t stop myself. I honestly tried, but I just couldn’t. I really don’t understand why I find this so difficult. Right now I’m sitting here thinking about the rest of the day and I can imagine going home and eating and being able to fight how I feel and not purge. But once I’m in the situation I seem to lose all control.
Even when my eating problems were at their most severe (when I was about 17) I don’t remember the thoughts ever having this much control over me. Though that was a long time ago, so maybe I just don’t remember accurately. The only thing I can compare this to is when my self-harm was at its worse and I literally couldn’t stop myself. But at that time I was also very depressed and that usually reduces my ability to argue with my thoughts. Now, when I get self-harm urges, which is fairly common, I am pretty much 100% ok with resisting them... even ignoring them. The only time I’ve given into a self-harm urge in years was when I got very down last November/December. And even then I only did one very minor injury because I still had some control.
So self-harm is very much something that resolves when my mood improves. And in the past eating disorder thoughts/behaviours have resolved with improved mood as well. It’s just at the moment I don’t feel that down – yesterday I even felt a little bit up (see side note below). I just can’t figure out why the eating disorder is so strong at the moment when there’s nothing in my mood/life that could be causing it. I’m quite anxious, but I think that the anxiety is caused by the eating disorder. Or maybe it’s a vicious cycle in that the depressive episode last November triggered the eating disorder, which in turn triggered anxiety, and now the eating disorder is kind of fuelling itself, even with the remittance of mood symptoms. Ever increasing cycles of disorder thoughts and anxiety and thoughts and anxiety.
Side Note: I’ve cut back drastically on caffeine today, and am trying to take good emotional care of myself in everyway I actually feel able to (so, most ways, except nutritionally), as I don’t really want mood instability issues right now... tragically this “taking care of myself” is mostly because there is NO WAY I could possibly take any of the anti-psychotics I’ve taken in the past as I refuse to accept the risk of weight gain. I’ve got a check list of symptoms for switches to hypomania/mania and have an agreement with my doctor that at what point I should restart olanzapine (I have a small “for emergencies” supply at home) and see my doctor. At the moment I don’t think I could honour that agreement because there is no way I could take olanzapine at the moment – olanzapine is like obesity in a pill! Even if I don’t manage to tell my GP about the purging/restricting I have resolved that I will tell him that I no longer think I could stick to that hypomania relapse plan – I’m hoping that this will help me broach the topic of eating concerns and at very least he could suggest a different medication I could keep at home in case my mood switches. I'm kind of resigned to the fact that I do need to get some support from my medical team in fighting this. I started this blog to try and almost talk myself into getting better. But I'm getting absolutely nowhere and feel very powerless. I'll need to see my GP to get a new prescription in just under two weeks. Unless something drastically changes before then I'll try and say something. (I'm completely terrified of the prospect!!!!)
I'm so sorry that you seem to be finding things difficult at them moment. It's easy to get stuck in a vicious cycle, I think: beating yourself up about your lapses only fuels anxiety/depression and generally doesn't help. Recovery *is* hard, and it often sucks, and no-one does it perfectly. I hope you find a way of feeling better soon. Keep fighting!
ReplyDeleteI think you're right in thinking that your depression triggered the ED which is now fueling itself - EDs are notorious for being self perpetuating. I guess it's a bit like anxiety - you know if you have a phobia it makes you want to avoid the trigger, but that just gets you more and more out of practise at coping with anxiety, until your response to fear is always avoidance? It's similar to EDs, except that with EDs there's the added complication of the biological effects of malnutrition. Just in case you needed that extra bit of difficulty, grr.
ReplyDeleteI am biased when it comes to meds because they screw me up horribly, but I know there are some drugs commonly used for bipolar disorder which ARE supposed to be weight-neutral. Lamotrigine is one, although that's a mood stabiliser rather than an atypical antipsychotic. It's worth googling other atypicals to see which is least associated with weight gain - I think it's amipiprazole? Although obviously it varies from person to person...
I'm sorry you're feeling so out of control. I know things seem unmanageable at the moment but it's amazing how quickly things can change, things are never hopeless with EDs while a person is still alive.
It sounds like things are spiralling pretty fast. I know you don't want to, but could you see your GP sooner? The sooner you can get some support the better. And I would definitely advocate writing it down and shoving it at them - in my experience that is much easier than attempting to actually speak, and it also stops you from leaving things out. It isn't nice sitting there whilst they read it, but I do find it preferable to trying to stutter out an answer, which generally ends up as 'I'm fine' when feeling like complete shit, or 'I've been a bit low lately' when I have spent the last week working out the best suicide method. You may of course be far more articulate than me, but it is still hard to be totally honest, and if it is on paper it is done, you just have to hand it over. Take care. xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments.
ReplyDelete@ Briony - it IS so hard - I didn't expect to find it so hard to stop until I started trying.
@ TheMilkfreeway - meds have really helped me in the past so I'm happy to take them if they help. I'll bare your suggestions in mind - it's good to know that there are options out there that would help. I fully expect my GP to say I have to wait until my next psychiatrist appointment to discuss med changes though. Which is fair enough really as he'll know a lot more about mental meds.
@ Bippidee - to be honest I don't think I could go and see my GP any sooner. But it's not that long really... 1.5 weeks really. Eek! I probably will make a few notes to act as a prop/crib sheet. Maybe just go off here to have an actual number of how little I'm eating/amount purging.