I did a couple of positive things yesterday – in that I managed to resist looking at or buying any new scales and didn’t stop off to weigh myself at the chemist on the way home. I even felt fairly good when cooking and eating. But then the thoughts really kicked in and I ended up purging, going for a run and spending the rest of the evening obsessing about what I’d eaten and hating myself. I didn’t sleep very well as I was thinking about whether I’d manage to go without weighing myself in the morning. This morning I just couldn’t not weigh myself and when I did it made me even more anxious as I hadn’t lost weight. My damn period arrived later in the day so that’s probably why my weight has being a bit screwy and also why I was getting abdominal pains (which did worry me as I thought maybe I’d done some damage). Fecking water retention. The lack of weight loss meant that I again struggled with lunch and actually cut the number of calories consumed in half. I’ll try and get back to normal on that tomorrow as lunch is usually the one reliable meal and I don’t want to lose that.
I’m annoyed at myself because looking at yesterday (and the previous few days – since I’ve been blogging) from an objective point of view I have to admit I’m pretty much failing to counteract the eating disorder behaviours. When I think about it in my head I always think to myself “well I managed to do X and Y so I’m doing a great job of beating this”, like I’m wearing rose tinted glasses. I guess the eating disorder is distorting the way I see things. But then when I put it in writing and read it back to myself, I realise, well… no… actually the urges I am giving into far out weigh (ha) the urges that I’ve managed to resist. I had my first comments on this blog yesterday (thank you, both of you) and one of them suggested that I probably should tell my GP what’s going on even if I do manage to get more control before my next appointment. Begrudgingly I’m willing to concede it might be a good idea. And thank you for the suggestion, I may try writing down what I want to say in case I freeze and can’t say anything when I’m there. It’s still a few weeks away (I can’t face the idea of going any sooner) so I’ve got a bit of time to think.
In other news the ideal job has become available where I work. This is a job I interviewed for a few years ago and was told I was a very close second choice for the role and they’ve now decided to expand the team and create a new role. I’ve been doing some work – as a side project - for this team for a long time now so I’ve got loads more experience to make a strong application (stronger than last time), but I have to go through the same application process again – only now I imagine I’ll be up against a much much tougher group. Applications for where I work are through the roof because of the recession. I’m sure they’ll be expecting at least 80 applications for this one post. (Last time there was only about 15). It’s really bad timing as I’m struggling so much right now and don’t know if I have the time or energy to throw myself into this process or the stamina to put on a good show if I get the interview. But this role would solve so many of my financial and career based concerns. Around the time of my major break up in 2008, and my mini-eating relapse/general argh-ness I made a couple of terrible career decisions (left a prestigious role under a bit of a black cloud) and securing this new position would go a long way to getting the career back on track. I guess it’s good as it gives me something else to fight for and I can use it to motivate myself.
On that note I’ve spent the afternoon (since I found out about this job opportunity) thinking about trying a new tactic. Instead of aiming to fight urges by thinking ahead at situations I find hard and flagging them up in my head – like yesterday when I listed things I would try/try not to do – I will try and focus on the positives of not giving into urges. The former approach I feel is just causing me more anxiety. I’m spending the preceding time thinking about how I’m going to deal with the urge and panicking. Then, if I succeed, I end up dealing with an even worse fall out, partly because of the build up, with the amount of emotional energy I’ve expended fighting the initial urge, I just don’t have the resources to fight anymore. I’m exhausted. This way I’ll hopefully be more relaxed and positive and maybe that will get results instead. I’m hoping it can’t be any worse anyway!
So in the spirit of trying this alternative tactic: Positive things to focus on and hopefully help me not give into urges:
1) I want to have the energy and stamina to really go for this job opportunity
2) Me and current partner want to have children one day (though only once we are “proper grown-ups” though)
3) Me and my ex are finally getting divorced and I want to be around to enjoy being legally free from him
4) It’ll be summer soon
5) To (hopefully) be continued…
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