No real change. Didn’t eat much and purged what I did eat in the evening. Did drink a small amount of alcohol and was up half the night worrying about the calories. This morning I couldn’t get out of bed. I think my immune system is under attack as I’ve got the start of an eye infection, I’m coughing and my throat hurts. Several people at work are also ill so I think it’s going round. I weighed myself and it was down a couple of pounds since yesterday. But I think I’m dehydrated so it’s probably not right and also period of doom is here and that means weight isn’t reliable. I ate a roll for breakfast when I arrived to work. And then around half an hour later I could stand it any more so tried to purge, but I couldn’t get anything up. I had to leave the office on my lunch break to run some errands today and ended up skipping lunch completely.
Must. Try. Harder!!!
It’s probably a combination of hormones, stress and illness, but my mood has taken a sharp drop today.
My iPod played me Alice in Chains, Down In A Hole as I walked across the city earlier. My iPod always seems to play songs that completely mirror my mood. Some of the lyrics are:
Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don't understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be
Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, losing my soul
I’d like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don't understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who wont let himself be
Down in a hole, feeling so small
Down in a hole, losing my soul
I’d like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied
I know realistically it’s not linked to my mood, and when it seems to it is just an example of confirmation bias. Sometimes I find it comforting when it happens (like the other day I was thinking about my soon-to-be-ex-husband and it then played The Beatles, Let It Be – which was the perfect song for right then) but today it just made me feel sad.
I guess Alice In Chains aren't the most cheerful of bands! Will listen to something cheerful on the way home from work tonight!!!
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Malnutrition can actually trigger depressive episodes, so since you're keeping so little down it's no wonder your mood has dropped. I mean, I suffer from weird moods outside of my eating disorder, but ED behaviours really don't help! It's weird, because I always thought they helped me numb my anxiety and control my depression, but since I've been in recovery I've had a lot more control over my mood. Anyway, it sounds like your eating disorder is really overwhelming you at the moment. Are there any small positive steps you can take which might not leave you feeling overwhelmed and purging?
ReplyDeleteI hope tomorrow is better for you :)