Lying/Guilt

The weekend was a bit of a mixed bag. Friday had started off fairly well, but it deteriorated when I got home and then was a sharp increase in negative thoughts and I ended up hardly eating anything, then purging. Saturday was atrocious, with huge amounts of self hate, a lot of urges and I think I only kept down 300 calories with about 100 of those from alcohol. On Sunday my weight was down and the thoughts subsequently really eased off. I did still end up going for an eight mile walk (which felt similar to resistance training in the gale force winds we’re experiencing at the moment) but I managed to eat a couple of spoonfuls of cereal for breakfast, half an energy drink, most of an evening meal and some alcohol (spirits with diet mixer) – and I didn’t purge once.

Today I don’t feel mentally that bad – I don’t feel depressed at any rate. I’ve eaten my normal lunch without any problems. But I have been watching diet programmes online, which is triggering a few negative thoughts. Can’t seem to stop watching them though! I resisted watching them for a good few hours today but I’d find my mind wandering and thinking, thinking, THINKING, about them. Until the thoughts literally fill my entire consciousness.

I’m feeling quite guilty a lot of the time. I feel guilty about all the lies I’m telling to people who genuinely care about me. My partner was talking about how well I’m doing with my dieting and how he’s working hard on dieting at the moment as well. He was asking about my eating disorder when I was a teenager. I did wonder if he suspected something and was trying to give me a chance to open up. But silver-tongued I skipped around the topic and onto something else. Several friends/colleagues (who are also dieting) chat about diet tips and happily I talk the “healthy diet” talk:

...“oh yes, I’m obviously making sure that I’m still eating a good balance”

...“I’ve lost about 20lbs so far, but haven’t really lost anything since Christmas”

...“I know! Everyone keeps saying it looks like I’ve lost more than that, I honestly haven’t”

...“maybe I’m building muscle and loosing fat – but no, I definitely haven’t lost anymore weight”.

...“I’d like to lose maybe another 10lbs, and then I’ll work on maintaining my weight”

That last one is something I keep saying to myself. Lying to myself! I use it as an excuse for why I don’t need to talk to my GP/psychiatrist – because once I’ve lost then next 10lb I’ll be able to stop so they don’t need to know, right? The only problem is that I think I was saying this to myself 10lbs ago. I know for certain I was saying this to myself 5lbs ago (when I started this blog). But the problem is I actually believe it. When I look in the mirror I can see where the excess 10lbs is and say to myself – once that is gone I’ll be happy. I can visualise pound size chunks overlaid on the body in the mirror and imagine how perfect it will be when they’re gone. Why on earth would I need help while I still have those really obvious 10lbs to go? Surely my GP will just laugh me out of his office and suggest that I do need to lose these 10lbs and then, only then, should I worry about too much weight loss. Even logical arguments like the fact that I am purging on a pretty much daily basis and that can’t be that good for me don’t make a difference. Because, as my brain tells me, I really need to get rid of this excess 10lbs and need to do this so urgently that any method is justified if it gets rid of it quickly.

These thoughts are incredibly strong and I find it very hard to combat them. I’m trying, but it’s hard.