(Wrong) Diagnosis

I’m a very literal person. If someone says “ok, please explain this in minute detail” I often won’t realise that they’re being sarcastic and will start to explain <insert example> to them. I also often misinterpret people’s intentions/emotions. I’ll upset people as I don’t realise a topic is annoying them or will do something that I’ve understood they wanted – when they really wanted something completely different/opposite. I also fluctuate between being able to completely get absorbed in a task and block out the world around me completely, to being incredibly over-stimulated by small noises/distractions that other people wouldn’t notice. It’s a bit of a “running joke” in the office that I’m slightly on the Autistic Spectrum – one of my colleagues even pipes up and does social niceties on my behalf now as half the time I don’t naturally realise when I’m meant to acknowledge people (I’ve learned from experience when you’re meant to say certain things, but will often forget) so they jokingly do it for me – and I know they do like me and mean it in a fairly affectionate/friendly office banter kind of way. But recently a few people have said things that make me wonder if there’s anything in it. Do I have an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD)?

When partner and I row I get upset because I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong or how I could have done things differently, or don’t think I can do things differently so know we'll row again. He thinks that ASD is a possibility – based on his past experiences with some colleagues who had an ASD diagnosis. But my argument to that has always been that he’s fitting my behaviours onto a structure that he’s used to/knows/is familiar with – and if he’d worked with people who had other issues (like OCD) he’d probably spot that in me instead!  Either way he asked me to look into it (online) and said he’d go with me to see my doctor to ask about it if I agree it fits. And even if I disagree he would happily go with me to see my doctor and explain how I am from his point of view in case the doctor has any suggestions that would help.

So I have looked into it and there are some things that do fit. Though to be honest I’m not really a fan of looking up information online to diagnose yourself as it’s so easy to see everything in yourself if you over-think it enough/look hard enough. And even though I do probably meet some of the diagnostic criteria for ASD there’s also so much overlap with other disorders.  When I Google symptoms like “rituals”, “intrusive thoughts”, “obsessions”, “difficulty making small talk”, “noise sensitivity”, “overanalysing situations”, “misinterpreting people”, “irritability”, “taking people literally”... etc. Yes it does flag up pages about Autistic Spectrum Disorder. But it also brings up pages about Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, various Personality Disorders, Eating Disorders, and Sensory Integration Disorder and so on and so on and so on. For example it could be that I have a lot of OCD traits and coupled with the Eating Disorder/malnutrition  act a bit odd/out of kilter emotionally and I’m a bit socially inept, but no ASD. Or I guess just as equally I could have ASD and the stress it’s put me under coping with it all these years has caused all my other mental health issues.

One thing I did find fairly interesting was a few sites that flagged up mental health problems experienced by adults that had been born prematurely. I was born 6 weeks early (weighing in at a tiny 4lbs) and had to spend a short time in hospital as a newborn while my organs "finished developing" and the jaundice went away. The only issues it caused growing up was I was ridiculously small and skinny as a child (often the shortest person in my school year) and I didn’t really catch up growth wise until my teens (I’m now 5’7’’ which I think is around, or just above average). I’d never really thought of my prematurity being anything that could have influenced on-going health. Not that it matters why I’m like this... I’m more interested in how to not be like it, and I’ve got other relatives who are just as loopy as me and not born prematurely, so it could just as easily be genetic. Though fuck it... maybe the eating disorder isn’t really an eating disorder at all. Maybe it’s just a mix of OCD and sensory integration because I never cope with textures/flavours as a kid. (Has colic as a baby and then wouldn’t eat as a toddler and when I would eat as a kid I WOULDN’T eat sweet things, so I've always had food issues).

The only thing I’ve ever been diagnosed with (as in been told by a doctor “you have this”) in terms of my mental health is Bipolar Affective Disorder. And to be honest I’m not sure I really agree with that as the times when I’ve been allegedly high I find it hard to accept they were abnormal and I only really went on medication as couldn’t be bothered arguing with people. (I’m a bit of a seesaw about this as sometimes I will agree with this diagnosis and sometimes I don’t). I’ve probably also got comments in my notes about Eating Disorders (NOS?) and Borderline Personality Disorder – the latter, especially from around the time of my separation from the soon-to-be-ex-husband, as I’d started self-harming again and taken a small OD and the psychiatric nurse I saw applied the following formula: relationship instability + self-harm + ”pseudo”-suicidal gestures MUST = BPD + a referral to the local personality disorder network/treatment team. But that’s another topic/rant all together.

Anyway – I’m off on a tangent here...

There are things that don’t fit with ASD. I don’t think I have any issues with eye contact and I think I can talk about/express my emotions fairly well. I also think I’m fairly empathetic/caring and I do like other people, and I don’t really avoid social activity even though I’m a bit hopeless at it sometimes. I think I will take partner up on the offer of accompanying me to next doctor’s appointment – if only because I think it would be useful for psychiatrist to actually meet partner and get information on me from someone other than me. And I do usually push partner away when it comes to mental health problems, when really he could be such a useful support. Though I won’t take him to my GP appointment next week – I might wait until next psychiatrist appointment in March. Partly because I think my GP will just tell me to bring it up with the psychiatrist anyway. And partly because I was hoping to mention eating problems/weight-loss to GP and don’t think I’m ready to admit to partner what I’ve been doing. (I think I’ll feel more able to broach it once I’ve spoken to someone else about it).

Sorry this is so long; I guess I just needed to get all these thoughts off my chest. If you’ve read all this you deserve a medal!!!