A small step forward (maybe)

I didn’t purge yesterday. Though I didn’t eat much, it was definitely more than I felt comfortable with - I really had to push back and argue against the thoughts. I had to eat breakfast this morning as my partner made me some and then didn’t leave the room so there was no way I could avoid it, and no real opportunity. Though I did give a few little scraps to the pets I think without being noticed. And I’ve cut back lunch time calories a bit (only a tiny bit) to try and cope with the urges while still eating something. I’ve planned a meal for later that I think I feel happy with and hopefully I’ll be able to resist purging again. Two days in a row would be awesome. I know it’s not a massive improvement but that’s two nights this week (Sunday and Wednesday) where I’ve managed not to purge. Before I started this blog I was purging everyday and it had been weeks since I’d gone a day without purging. In my post at the start of February my plan was to try and cut back on the purging a little bit each week. So at least that’s something positive, it's not a great step, and it might be random chance, but it could be a step in the right direction.

I am worried that partner is suspecting a return to eating disorder ways, as he has asked about them a few times recently and then this morning with breakfast, I have wondered if he’s trying to give me an opening to admit what’s going on. Though I think I’m probably just being paranoid as I’d need to lose a bit more weight before I start looking thin or anything. I guess it would be easier to fight this if he knew because if would mean it would be harder to follow the urges if someone else was watching out for them and it would give me some real life accountability. At the moment this blog helps a bit as I am determined to be honest on here (well, hell... it’s anonymous, so it feels safe to be honest here) and I do want to be able to turn round and write that things are going well. But although the accountability would be an advantage I’d be terrified to tell him. What if I need to purge and he stops me. Yeah, I know that would be kind of the point, I know rationally I shouldn’t be doing this, but I can’t have that kind of control taken away from me... if I managed to resist and urge I want it to be because I’m strong, not because I physically stopped from doing it. And I’m scared we’d argue about it and the last thing I want right now is to argue with him – I think shouting would just make dealing with these feelings harder.