# As fast as I pick it up # It runs away through my clutching hands #

I’ve been thinking a lot in the last 24 hours. I tried really hard last night. I ate a meal (a small victory) and didn’t purge (a second small victory). This morning I couldn’t stop myself from standing on the scales. The number was the same as yesterdays number. It swam in front on my eyes. It taunted me. But I’m trying not to care. I said to myself. I’m trying not to be like this anymore. But my brain didn’t listen. I went downstairs and my partner shouted “make sure you grab something for breakfast”. I grabbed something from the cupboard and shouted back. I got to the end of the street and threw it away. I’m only lying to myself.

On my commute this morning The Cure, For Elise, came on my iPod.

I thought this time I'd keep all of my promises
I thought you were the girl I always dreamed about
But I let the dream go
And the promises broke
And the make-believe ran out...

I’ve been caught up in the mess of an eating disorder before when I was a lot younger. And I don’t know how I’ve let myself fall back into this almost without even realising. After so long I really thought I was “cured”. Last weekend when I decided to start a blog, to help focus my mind, to figure out what I’m doing… I didn’t think it would be this difficult. I thought I’d look back on the week and see that things weren’t that bad.

And every time I try to pick it up
Like falling sand

As fast as I pick it up

It runs away through my clutching hands

Every time, this week, I’ve tried to challenge the eating disorder. When I’ve tried not to purge, tried not to restrict, tried to control the self hatred and the intrusive thoughts. Every time it (by “it”, I guess, I mean the facet of my personality, or the part of my mind, or the segment of my brain, that is the eating disorder. It is part of me, though it does feel like a separate entity) fights back. I’ll just keep trying. But I just don’t know how I can win this.

But there's nothing else I can really do
There's nothing else I can really do
There's nothing else
I can really do
At all...