I lost a little bit more weight over the weekend, though it did fluctuate a bit. I had lost a lot on Sunday morning, but I think it was through dehydration, as I’d gained most of that back by this morning. Unfortunately I didn’t manage to go a single day without purging and ended up purging several times on Sunday. The thoughts have abated a little bit today I think because I gave into them so much at the weekend. I’ve managed to break from routine today and add a small “skinny*” muffin to my lunch. It hasn’t even caused that much of an emotional backlash so I’m counting it as a victory. As long as I can keep having the occasionally small triumph against all this then I’ll still feel like I do have a modicum of control. Am I just fooling myself?
I have also been trying to do a lot of thinking about what I need to do. I think I have to face the fact that this isn’t just a temporary problem and this is a proper eating disorder relapse. And if it's a proper relapse I may have to face the fact that I can't get out of this by myself. I think I’m kind of in shock and denial still. Shock because it’s been nine or ten years since I’ve had problems like this. I did have a brief period in 2008, during a serious relationship break-up, where I had a minor relapse, but I didn’t purge at all that time, and I pulled myself out of it without needing any extra support from my doctor (or in fact making anyone else aware of it). The last time I had serious problems was in 2002 and then the depression really over shadowed the eating disorder and as I got treatment for the depression the problems with the eating disorder eased dramatically as well. So to be honest I was feeling pretty cocky about the fact that I was fine now and eating disorders weren’t something I needed to be worried about anymore – in fact before last November I was actually at a BMI that placed me as slightly overweight (damn side effects of antipsychotics) and not feeling overally bothered about it. How can I go from not minding being slightly overweight to caught up in an eating disorder with almost no warning?
I think the denial stems from two things. Firstly, I don’t want to believe it’s true and if I carry on then things will just sort themselves out (see above for “that isn’t me anymore, not after so long”). This is why I’m finding the idea of asking for help so very difficult – because if I’m getting medical help for an eating disorder then I do actually have an eating disorder and it’s not all in my mind (as opposed to blogging about it… which doesn’t make it real). Secondly, although I can logically comprehend the idea that if I lose much more weight I’ll be underweight and that might start to have health consequences; I can’t actually believe that I’ll actually be at any real risk. I’ve weighed a lot less than this before and been fine, right?
Anyway... I’ve made two deals with myself. At some point this month I have to make a GP appointment to get a refill for my medication. If I’m still purging more than once a week by then I will try and broach the subject with my GP. If I'm purging less than once a week I will maybe give myself a bit more time as that would be a sign I can get out of this myself. I know this isn’t the greatest commitment in the world. But it’s a start and it’s the only one I don’t feel terrified making right now. I’ve probably got about three weeks worth of medication left at home at the moment. So I’ve got three weeks to try and turn things around myself. Maybe the fact I’ve got a very real deadline a head of me will give me a bit of strength to actually fight the eating disorder thoughts.
Here’s hoping.
* Hmmm. I doubt it was that skinny, but hey, this is me trying new things!
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