Purging

Last night I purged twice. I really tried not to; but in the end the thoughts were just too damn strong. My daily routine (on a work day) is a bowl of noodles or soup during the day along with green tea, peppermint tea and water. At home I will usually cook a meal with my partner and currently I’m purging that meal most days. Weekends are more complex because I’m with partner for 90% of the time. I have to lie more at the weekends. I’ll often walk into the room carrying the last bite of something I supposedly in the process of eating (having thrown the rest away) so when he asks what we’re having for lunch I can say “oh I just had some XXXX, I’m not hungry, but I can make you something if you want”. I’m normally a terrible liar and it’s scary how adept I am when it comes to covering up my lack of eating.  I hate lying to my partner.

I am fighting the urges to purge. Currently I've found the following tactics are helpful:

• Bargaining: I bargain with myself about what will be an acceptable content/amount to eat. If I keep to very healthy; or small amounts of food; or food that comes in very specific portions so I know its exact content, then it’s allowed. I think this is why I’m always ok with the noodles/soup at lunch – they both come in sealed packets so I know exactly how much is in them. I still get the urge to get rid of the food, but it’s really easy to resist and I very rarely act on it. Bargaining doesn’t always work because sometimes I might think I’ve agreed with myself and once I’ve finished the food my thoughts will kick in with vengeance and I won’t be able to focus upon anything put purging.
• Rituals: This is similar to the first step, but if I follow very specific rituals while I’m preparing the food, or eating the food, then it makes it ok and I don’t have such a hard time resisting the thoughts. Rituals like chewing a certain number of times; or cutting the food into certain size bites; or using a particular saucepan on a particular hob; or making sure the foods are all a similar colour. All these things do help. The fact at work that I always use the same bowl/brand of noodles/fork and spoon/microwave/usually eat at the same time – all these things make lunch easier. And again, evening, are harder, because of the amount of variation that is possible.
• Distractions: If I watch a movie while I’m eating then it helps distract me from the thoughts. Also I find it harder to make excuses to leave the room half way through a movie. Partner will say “can’t you just wait until the end of movie” as pausing it ruins the flow. The longer I manage to distract myself the less likely I am to actually purge. If I can get passed an hour I’m usually safe. Distraction was something I use a lot to deal with self harm urges as well (a self harm is something I pretty much never do anymore).
• Waiting: I will say to myself “ok, if I wait 10 minutes and still feel like this then I’ll let myself purge”. And then after 10 minutes “come on, I lasted 10 minutes, I’ll wait another 10 minutes and then let myself if I still need to”. Telling the thoughts that I will follow then in 10 minutes helps them temporarily abate, until it has been too long to really purge effectively or the urges actually do subside. Again this method also works well for self harm urges.
• Making it difficult: This sounds grim but some things just seem physically harder for me to purge. I rarely eat these foods for this very reason but sometimes if I’m especially determined I will force myself. Though sometimes this backfires as I’ll still try and I always end up feeling like I’ve actually done some damage to stomach/oesophagus afterwards.
• Substituting Exercise: Ok, so I would still be getting rid of calories, but I don’t think I ever manage to lose all of them through exercise. And this must be better for me than purging. Right?

Anyway – I’m going to try and get through tonight without purging, which would be the first time in over a week that I’ve not done it at least once. Fingers and toes crossed.