Today has not been a great day. I met my friend last night and managed to have a good evening chatting and catching up. In fact for a while the intrusive thoughts abated and I thought I’d be ok. When I got home though the thoughts were awful and I tried to eat something that I thought would be safe but I couldn’t stop myself from purging afterwards. I weighed myself this morning and had lost another pound which I hoped would make today easier. In fact I even managed to break with routine and eat some fruit for breakfast. But then I remembered I was meeting a friend on my lunch break and knew I’d be expected to have lunch with her. This messes with my normal routine (timing/location/contents/preparation all make lunch feel safe for me) but I knew I had to go to “keep up appearance”. I tried really hard to be ok but purged almost immediately on returning to the office. I’m hoping the fact I’ve already given into the urges once today will mean tonight is easier.
In all honesty I’m feeling a bit desperate about all of this. I started this blog as I thought it would help me get my thoughts straight and maybe be a start of getting myself out of this. And it’s making me realise how bad things actually are and how little control I have over my eating. I suppose it’s good that it’s making me realise that, if I can use that realisation in order to aid recovery, or push me into asking for help.
But it’s just not a particularly great feeling to realise maybe how screwed up things have become.
No comments:
Post a Comment