I did actually manage to go last night without purging. I think I managed it because I went for items that I consider to be safe foods and I only ate about half of the food on my plate. The pets were slyly fed the rest. I still felt pretty bad afterwards, but I distracted myself by going for a walk and putting on a movie when I got back - though I did end up buying alcohol and getting a bit drunk as well. The alcohol has made me hate myself today as I know exactly how many calories the drinks contained. I weighed myself this morning and my weight hasn’t gone down any further. Which since I’m trying to not be like this I should be pleased about… but I’ll be honest, I’m really really not. (My weight hadn't gone up either so I'm trying not to freak out too much).
Even so I would still like to think of yesterday as a success, but I don’t know what the chances of replicating it today are. I’ve managed my normal routine so far for the day, with a couple of extra walks round the building (and up and down lots of stairs) to appease some of the worst moments. There is no way, however, that I’m going to be able to eat tonight without purging. I’m not even sure if I’m going to be able to eat at all to be honest. I’m meeting a friend in town later and if I say I ate in town then no one will notice if I don’t eat at home. And I imagine my friend will want to go to a couple of bars which means alcohol again.
The thoughts/self hate are quite literally off the scale in intensity. Ever since I was a teenager I’ve dealt with intrusive thoughts. When I’m not ill I’d say I have a background level of negative/self destructive thoughts continuing for about 5 to 10% of the time. And it’s not great but I'm used to it, they don't control me and I can function at a level I’m content with. Since these problems started again I think the thoughts have been taking up about 50% of my time. When they’re this frequent I find it really hard to resist them (like purging, or self harm), but can still do it most of the time, and I can still get other stuff (like my job done) but maybe not to the best standard. Today I think that maybe 80-90% of the day so far has been nothing but intrusive thoughts. And I’m not really getting any work done. And I’m struggling to have conversations with people at work as it’s all very distracting. Mostly the thoughts are related to food/focussed on disliking my body, with a few self-harm thoughts thrown in there. And when they’re this frequent they’re so very hard to not act on. The weird thing is I don’t actually think I’m depressed at the moment. I think the current medication I'm on is working in that respect. I don’t have any of the normal symptoms I get when I’m depressed. My mind feels really active. I’m not tearful or tired. And bizarrely, given my thought content, I feel sad. If anything I'd say I actually feel good - except for some reason there's this constant barrage of intrusive thoughts.
I’m pretty certain the increase in intrusive thoughts and the anxiety results from taking in more calories than I’m ok with and resisting the urge to purge yesterday. I think I really need to strike a balance between fighting this and doing myself more damage in the long run because of fall out from when I do resist the urges. Or maybe the fall out will get less each time and this will get easier.
I will keep trying tonight.
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